Episode Report Card Omar G: B+ | 3 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Lex, Scrambled
By Omar G | Season 3 | Episode 9 | Aired on 01.13.2004
High school. Again, lots of exterior-shot extras. The budget this year is kind. Clark is telling Pete, right in the middle of the hallway for everyone to hear, that Doctor Unamused is canceling Lex's procedure (everybody in this episode keeps calling it a "procedure"), and that she's on her way to sign the papers right now. Pete doesn't think it's a great thing, considering that Lex knows Clark's secret. Clark says he can't let them turn Lex into a vegetable just for that. Pete stops, ponders what life might be after saying just one or two lines, and decides to press ahead. "You can't trust him," Pete tells Clark in the Torch office. Clark says that Pete's never given Lex a chance. Saaaaaay! "You give him too many!" Pete barks. Jeeeeeaaaalous? Pete says he has to worry about Clark's secret every time they're around other people. It's not easy, yo! Pete says he has to say "meteor rocks" instead of "Kryptonite," and has to cover all of Clark's unexplained exits. Gee, Pete, when you put it like that, it's no wonder you barely have a line per episode. Clark apologizes for not noticing. "The point is, I got your back," Pete says. Which is great, since Clark runs so fast that anybody who has his back will be left about ten miles behind. Ah, Pete. "But Lex won't," Pete says adamantly. Chloe appears at the door. "What's wrong?" Clark asks. She tells them that Doctor Unamused is dead. Clark reacts in a very casual "aw...man!" way. Pete says he feels the invisible hand of Lionel Luthor. About the accident, too. Pete advises Clark and Chloe to back off before they get targeted next. Chloe waits until Pete leaves, and then tells Clark she thinks they just made things worse. Clark says there has to be a way to stop the "procedure." Chloe says that Papa Luthor is going to make sure it happens.
Belle Reve. Clark goes in to do a man's job. He rips open the outside fence like so much crepe paper at a theme party. He superzips inside like so many fans at Streisand's last concert. He appears leaning at Lex's door like so much...well, like so much gay porn. So I've heard. Ahem. Lex looks over. Smiling, he says, "Clark. I knew you'd come." Hey, they had that in the gay porn, too. Clark rips the steel cage off Lex and tosses it aside. I honestly thought Lex would be naked under there, wearing only a little bowtie, to greet Clark. Lex gives Clark a longing "eet me free!" look. It is the Gayest Look of the Episode -- nay, the gayest look of this entire new year. And we got it started off right. Lex says that, all this time, he was right about Clark. He is a top! Clark suddenly winces and moves his eyes around all twitchily. He turns, and there's Tool Boy, holding a fistful of Kryptonite. He punches Clark in the face. Hard. Tool Boy #2 shows up, and they both set about whaling on Clark and Lex. Tool Boy #2 uses a baton while #1 sticks to the trusty Kryptofist. Why isn't Lex fighting back? Tool Boy #1 tells Clark that if it wasn't for him, he'd be at Harvard right now with a coed on each arm. Yeah, but he'd need a stool to get up there. Tool Boy #1 sticks the meteor stone inside Clark's t-shirt. Lex yells, asking what they're doing to Clark. Lex says he's not giving them a cent. Clark is his friend. Lex gets punched in the face again. Poor Lex! The Tool Boys drag Clark out of there. Lex screams at them to leave Clark alone. One of the Tool Boys says that Lex is about to get his ass fried in about five minutes. Lex tries crawling toward the door and coughs up blood instead. He slumps to the floor.