Episode Report Card Erin: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sydney The Destructor
By Erin | Season 1 | Episode 16 | Aired on 03.09.2002
Vaughn watches the proceedings from behind a mirrored wall. The Weasel enters and explains that Sydney's not just taking tests; she's also being monitored by some high-tech lie detector equipment. Vaughn's all pissy and wants to know what the Weasel's doing there. The Weasel says something about acting on behalf of interagency cooperation. Whatever. He's there because he's a slimy suck-up.
CSM Deux tells Sydney that she's walking through a forest and she comes across a river. "Do you cross it, Agent Bristow?" Syd's all, that depends, you pale imitation of the nicotine-addled original CSM. This is so lame. The questions that CSM Deux is asking are starting to sound like dumb-ass psych questions. Like, "You enter a room. There is one window. A baby is crying. Where do you hang the red painting?" Shit like that. Like, it doesn't mean anything to you, but wherever you decide to hang the red painting is supposedly an indicator of how much you want to have sex with your father or something. Bo-ring.
Syd agrees with me, because as the questions continue and CSM Deux smokes, she's looking increasingly irritated and bored. Vaughn watches, his forehead crinkles running into the triple digits. CSM Deux asks Syd what's going on in a picture of a mother and a daughter. "The mother is teaching the girl how to bake," responds Syd wearily. CSM Deux wants to know what feelings the picture invokes in Sydney. "The girl doesn't like it," says Syd. "She wants to go out and play." Lindsay excitedly makes some notes. I can't decide if Syd's answering the questions honestly or if she's smart enough to know just what's going on and is therefore royally fucking with them.
In the observation room, Vaughn whips off his jacket. And, yes, Michael Vartan wears a blue oxford like nobody's business. Before I can start panting heavily, however, The Weasel enters and demands that the questioning end immediately. "What is it?" asks Vaughn. "Sorry," says The Weasel, "it's on a need-to-know only." What a pisher. The Weasel hands some document to one of his henchmen, and the henchman enters the interrogation room and hands the document to the guy who's writing notes. The DSR morons all look at the document, and Lindsay suddenly asks Syd to come with them somewhere.
Sydney's all, why? Note-Taking Guy's all, we just need you to take some general physical tests -- MRI, lumbar puncture, CT scan, et cetera. You know, nothing too SERIOUS or anything. Vaughn turns to The Weasel: "What the hell is going on here?" Sydney's all, um, how about NO on those tests? Lindsay's all, Agent Bristow, we respectfully ask you to mumbledy-moomba. Sydney's all, BITE ME, BITCH. I've answered all your stupid fucking questions, but if you want to STICK NEEDLES IN ME, you're gonna have to tell me what in the HELL is going on here. Lindsay's all, that's top secret. Syd's all, top secret MY ASS. How's about I take your pale butt outside and do a little top-secret dance on your SKULL?