Episode Report Card Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Hang Down Your Head and Cry
By Alex Richmond | Season 5 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.21.2002
Inside the Mexican Post, Heather talks with John and Miss Bump. She's a scientist, see, and she knows that no two people can sync up all their emotional, cognitive, and physical parts perfectly. So I guess the logical, scientific thing to do is to have more than one mate. At the same time. Why, science demands it be so! Jealousy is illogical. Live long and prosper. I am NOMAD. Et cetera. The band strolls out, warming up. Miss Bump says, "Break time's over, John." Heather claps her hands and says, "Yay!" Aww. She loves music. And metal! It's a proven scientific fact. She's married two rock stars, two! Whether they overlapped or not, I have no idea. The band begins to play "Tom Dooley." They make it really upbeat and happy. God, this show is odd.
John walks Heather to her door, saying that she can sing a song with the band whenever she wants. "Straight Mexican, or what? The band is kind of taken with The Kingston Trio now." Heather says, "Whatever!" How about a cover of The Stooges, "Search and Destroy"? That could be nice. John asks that she willingly dissolve one of her marriages, then plea out to avoid jail time. She refuses. She loves both her non-dead, non-gay husbands. And dissolving one of her marriages would be like a mother having to choose among her children. Wow, that is so not the same. Heather is all, "No one questions a parent's ability to love two children deeply, unconditionally. Why is it so absurd for a woman to love two men? It has nothing to do with nature. " Heather. Dude. It isn't about love. The issue and FACT is that it's illegal to be MARRIED to more than one person, except if you're in a church that promotes that sort of thing. Marriage has nothing to do with nature. SOCIETY has nothing to do with nature. Don't get all filibuster-y on me. Although I'm on your side, your argument is horse pockey. Yes, the law isn't always great, but maybe you work on changing the law first before living outside of it. Or, you know, just have relations with the two guys and NOT GET MARRIED, since it's love you keep blathering on about. Or, go join that church and rack up all the husbands you want, if they do it that way. Anyway, she wants to stay married to both her husbands. She says, "'Night" to John, looks at him longingly, and kisses tenderly him on the cheek. Heather, I dare you to make it three. John had sex with a whore to get laid -- he might marry a bigamist for the same reason! Just ask him.
John's in Richard's office, telling him of his Hots for Heather. He says she has a "way" and a "mellifluous voice." What, no mention of the legs and the rest? How about her whip-smart brain, hidden underneath all that blonde hair? Richard suggests John marry her, since everyone else has. Hee. John says, almost as a non sequitur, that Heather "isn't promiscuous." Um, yeah. So? Richard said get married, not just bone her. And John loves her toned, supple arms. "She has the forearm of a newborn's mother. That's it! It's the love-muscle of a newborn's mother!" What? She has the arm of a baby's what now? Is that better than a baby's arm?