Episode Report Card Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Hang Down Your Head and Cry
By Alex Richmond | Season 5 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.21.2002
Dear DEK: I know you know I think you suck. And you can continue to pretend to ignore these recaps. But, I think now that the end is near, I have to ask for a favor: it's time to drop the charade and just give me a freaking shout-out. What I want is for you to say my name. Don't act kinda shady, don't call me baby. You've been running game. Don't mutter about that fucking site that does recaps of all your shows and never gives you a break. Just say my name. It's Alex Richmond. Name a character after me, and run her over with a car if it'll make you feel better. Make Father Alex Richmond the name of the character that marries Victor and Ally. And give him a big glass of Jack Daniels. Since it's too late to fixie-fixie your show, why not just do it? It could be fun. Do it. Say my name. Say it! My will be done.
Nelle meets with the New Boring Guy. He's representing a wife suing her husband for sexual harassment. Oy, et cetera. New Guy can make them settle: (a) by proving that "she had a real bastard for a husband" and (b) because now she's got a real bastard for a lawyer.
They all sit at a table: Nelle, New Guy, wife, husband, husband's lawyer, and a person typing away, transcribing all things said. Kind of like a recapper, but probably without the jokes and snotty comments. The husband says that if making sexual advances on his wife equals oppression, he knows women that would kill to be oppressed like that. Poor unlaid men of the world, unite! The wife says "'Love, honor, and obey' doesn't include 'grope.'" And he goes on to say that he didn't cheat at least. He was looking for nooky with his betrothed, not just anyone. And when a husband complains he isn't getting enough sex? That's "foreplay." Ooh, yeah, baby. Why, nothing gets me hotter than hearing a man with an over-inflated sense of entitlement kvetch. Dude, if you want to get laid, use your tongue for something other than talking, if you know what I mean. He even wrapped his wiener in a slice of cheese and doused it in ketchup to try and get his wife to go down on him; he asked her to "have a quarter-pounder with cheese." Dude. Dude. That's just gross. It's called give and take. You just want to take without giving. Like DEK.
As Heather tries on John's mariachi hat and strikes head-tilt-y poses in the mirror, John and Miss Bump go over the merits of the case. The law is the law, he says, and bigamy is against the law. Miss Bump says in some states oral sex is against the law -- should people go to jail for that? John says this is a little more serious. Miss Bump gets pouty and asks if he doesn't take oral sex seriously. John stammers and flails his arms around, finally asking that she not try to rattle him as they're on the same side now. Oh, right. This week, they are on the same side. Heather asks if she can come watch. John says, since she's on trial, she's required to be present at the proceedings. Uh doy! But no: she meant she wants to see John wear the suit and sing mariachi. John suggests they concentrate on the case, since she could go to jail for this. Oooh! Heather's in troooou-ble!