Episode Report Card Daniel: A- | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT The hand that Lockes the cradle
By Daniel | Season 1 | Episode 18 | Aired on March 1, 2005
Hurley's trudging don't the beach, with some loud rap music playing with which I am not familiar, and it's "everybody with me" and "drinks on me" and this kind of thing and I tried to Google the lyrics, but was unsuccessful, although I did find what might be the only Website where someone has posted, for some reason, lyrics to songs by Toby Keith, 50 Cent, Kenny Chesney, and Eminem. Plus it has an eagle on it, that may or may not have clutched in its talons a missile that's being rammed up the butt of Osama bin Laden. But Hurley's not listening to the song; it's thumping out of the new yellow Hummer he's driving down the street, at least until his mom asks him to turn the noise down, and I have a hard time believing she didn't ask that before they were even to the end of the driveway. She looks kind of sour, and wants to know where he's taking her, since he knows she doesn't like surprises. Hurley, dressed in a stylin' yellow and black track suit (matches the Hummer!), says she'll like this one, especially with all she's been through, like "Grandpa." Mama crosses herself. At the funeral, Father Aguilar was apparently struck by lightning. "Man, that was a freak storm," says Hurley. But wait, there's more! "Diego moving back home, after Lisa left him for that...waitress," says Hurley. It's the pause that kills me, although Mama yelling, "Don't mention that whore to me!" was kind of funny. "I'm just saying, you deserve something good to happen," he says. Mama lifts her eyebrows in a way that says, "Yeah, I totally do, but I'm not going to say so." Hurley's quiet for a moment before pointing out that ever since he won the lottery, bad things have been happening. "Like I don't know, the money's cursed or something." Mama smacks him -- and man, nothing hurts like when your mom smacks you, does it? -- and calls it blasphemy, since they're Catholic and don't believe in curses. No, we Catholics believe in all kinds of crazy shit, just not curses. Hurley says he's just talkin'. Then he says they're almost there and gives his mother a red bandana and tells her to put it on. Holy shit! He took his mother to drive-by some Crips? Here I am going "awwww" again.
Hurley pulls up at this massive house, gets out, and hustles around to the passenger side to help his blindfolded mother out of the car. She's bitching the whole time, by the way, complaining about having to wear the blindfold. He tells her to take it off and get a load of her new house, but she apparently can't hear him over the sound of her own pissing and moaning, so she slips on a step and, if that ridiculously loud snapping sound is any indication, breaks her ankle. And we already know she's not one to suffer in silence, so here we go with the wailing. She stops long enough to sniff the air and ask if Hugo smells smoke. He looks up, and sees the reflection of flames in an upstairs window. He whips out his cell phone to call 911 (with his mom helpfully yelling for him to tell them about her ankle as well). But Hurley's barely dialed when he hears sirens and a couple of police cars pull up. Hurley looks at his phone like, "That was fast," apparently before realizing that a) he wanted firefighters; b) he had yet to tell 911 that he needs firefighters; and c) holy shit, these cops are pulling guns on him and telling him to freeze and all that. As they slam Hurley to the hood of his Hummer, handcuff him, and read him his rights, Mama hilariously looks at him suspiciously and crosses herself again. "No such thing as curses, huh, Ma?" he says. Commercials.