Episode Report Card Demian: F | 1 USERS: F YOU GRADE IT Hag On A Nag
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 2 | Aired on 09.18.2004
All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, and if it involves Nick Lachey, I don't care, so let's be quick about this: Phoebe slips her breastfeeding letter, handwritten on garishly bright pink paper, into Slampiece Sparklies's inbox. When Sparklies enters the office, she too-casually suggests he use it for next morning's column. He thinks it's too "cause-y." Phoebe...oh, who gives a shit? Scene.
Not!warts. Raige flips through the history book Douchebag Duncan had been perusing, passing entries for Catherine the Great, Elizabeth I, and Joan of Arc before finding Godiva's. Godiva, of course, is thrilled to learn she made the cut. That is, until she examines the illustration and spots Maury Sterling's inked image. She quickly exposits that Maury's actually "Lord Dyson," "an evil land baron who feeds on the pain of peasants" and "suppresses them for his own gain." Incidentally, our kind European forum board friends revealed that "Dyson" is a brand of vacuum cleaner in that part of the world, so Maury's going to be Lord Hoover for the rest of the evening. Which is somewhat appropriate, given all the sucking he does in this episode. And you can take that however you want. "[Lord Hoover's] the weasel who convinced my husband to tax [the peasants]," Godiva explains to Raige, and what did I just tell you all about who really had the power to levy taxes in Coventry? So, no. Shut up, Lady Godiva. The two gals chat about courage and virtue and boring! before Raige jestingly orders Godiva to "saddle up!" There's a bit of time-wasting crap about the nature of magic until Godiva obliges by hauling herself onto her long-suffering animal from the wrong side and stripping off her borrowed robe. The women fondly wish each other luck. At long last, Raige recites the following, which she apparently cribbed from the Book of Shadows, from memory:
From lands afar in time and space,
Take her now from this our place.
One that dwells must so remain:
Send her back to her domain.
Nothing happens. "What's wrong?" Godiva wonders. Well, that spell makes absolutely no fucking sense as written, hon, but I don't think that's the problem. "I don't know," Raige puzzles, of course not realizing that Godiva can't return without Lord Hoover. Just then, a crashing sound reaches the room from the hall outside. Raige orders Godiva to remain with the horse, and scampers outside to see what's going on.
General mayhem has erupted throughout Not!warts, with various Nit!wits smacking each other up and hurling vases and such. Raige screams her way over to Q, who'd been assisting an injured coed. "I don't see how conjuring Lady Godiva could have caused all this," Raige splutters. "Unless she wasn't the only thing conjured," Q duhs. Pockmarked David Cassidy telekinetically hurls some random guy across the room. Raige, thinking fast, orbs some boxes over to break the kid's fall. Raige dingbats something about how the melee demonstrates the need for Not!warts, since the imbeciles involved need to learn to control their magic. Q, supremely pissed, rises to his feet to rage, "This is a complete, utter disaster!" Spectral Lord Hoover, sensing an opportunity, slinks over to make with the hand and the cloudy red mojo. Q's, um, sense of repression, or whatever, enters Lord Hoover's hand, and Lord Hoover finally materializes in solid form. "Who the hell are you?" Raige demands. Before she can get an answer, Q wheels on her, spitting, "I've had it with you and your stupid ideas!" And with that, he unleashes a bit of sporking electricity of his own, gouging a bloody gash in Raige's shoulder while knocking her to the floor. Q, snapping out of it, looks shocked as Lord Hoover Renfields his way to the center of the room, all, "Yes! So much repression to feed on!" Stupid Lady Godiva, having disobeyed Raige, edges through the fracas to gape at Lord Hoover as she breathes, "You!" Hoover conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death that he hurls at Godiva's tits. She ducks, but it doesn't much matter as the FBOD dissipates harmlessly in mid-air long before it reaches her. "No matter," Lord Hoover shrugs. "I'll just collect more power, and then I'll be back." Raige hops to Godiva's side as Maury Sterling squiggles into the commercial break.