Episode Report Card Demian: F | 1 USERS: F YOU GRADE IT Hag On A Nag
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 2 | Aired on 09.18.2004
Raige, bless her little heart, soldiers on undeterred until the appalled Q cuts her short to argue that, with Snidely no longer around, the safety of the institution and its students can no longer be guaranteed. Meanwhile, another pock-marked, nose-picking thirtysomething in the crowd -- this one with David Cassidy's Partridge Family hair -- telekinetically releases an arrow from a handy bronze statue of Cupid. The arrow zips across the hall to embed itself in a packing crate behind Q's head. Q turns to gaze at the missile with the sort of supreme disdain that has become John DeLancie's stock-in-trade over the years as an increasingly flustered Raige nervously concludes her response: "Like I said, they need some guidance." Some fat turd in the peanut gallery's all, "She can guide me any day!" His douchebag companion, who'd been paging through a book, snickers, "Check it out -- I just cast this awesome spell." No, we don't hear the spell. No, we don't care, either. No, really. You do not care. The douchebag flips the book around to display a color illustration of a blonde and buxom Lady Godiva taking her infamous ride. An odd little black-clad, hunchbacked, toadying sort lurks beneath her on the image's far border. As Raige argues that "these kids are so special," a haze of twinkly, golden lights emerges from Godiva's inked form to hover above the page for a moment before erupting upwards into the air like a cannonball, arcing above Raige's head until it explodes in a cascade of shimmering mojo that presently takes the form of Godiva and her horse. That was pretty cool. I must admit, much as I hate this episode, all of Godiva's magical entrances and exits are well done. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. A wispy trail of black smoke that had also emerged from the image in the book passes overhead unnoticed to disgorge the spectral form of Maury Sterling, for whom I harbor an unreasonable affection. And you can shut up about that unreasonable affection right now. Maury Sterling furtively and shiftily bats at the air in confusion as Godiva glances blankly around the room. The fat turd hauls his rancid ass out of his seat with a lusty "Naked woman! Woo!" and charges towards the Woo! in question, slamming his way straight through Maury Sterling's spectral form as he goes. Maury Sterling looks down at himself, all, "EW!" Meanwhile, other horny lads tumble past a dismayed Raige to crowd the body-stockinged and badly wigged C-list actress on the horse, jostling Raige into Q's side and damn. John DeLancie's about three feet taller than Rose McGowan is. Heh. The badly wigged C-list actress on the horse mutely goggles her way into the opening credits.
Not!warts. Lunch Lady God and her nameless, bald-headed colleague beat back the horny idiots attempting to maul Lady Godiva as the douchebag responsible for the latter's appearance babbles out an apology to Raige for the spell. Raige, lying, assures "Duncan" that she knows he didn't mean to conjure Godiva, and urges him to tell her exactly what happened, and fast. Duncan panics something unhelpful. Raige is stunned and more than a little delighted to learn she's in the presence of Lady Godiva, like, you dim bitch. A naked woman on a horse suddenly appears in the middle of the room at Not!warts, and you didn't recognize her until this little sphincter told you who she was? What the fuck ever. Raige gets over herself long enough to order Douchebag Duncan to send Godiva back. Douchebag Duncan flails that he doesn't know how to do that. Godiva, meanwhile, dismounts off-camera and retreats to a corner of the room, covering herself with a handy piece of fabric. Raige assaults one of Not!warts professors, stripping the woman of her robe while promising to have the thing dry-cleaned as Q looms over her to shove an accusatory finger in her face. "Is that who I think it is?" he steams. "Pretty impressive use of magic, huh?" Raige bright-sides. Q's not having it for all of the anticipated "you don't fuck with history" reasons, but Raige vows that she has the situation well in hand. Q unleashes an exasperated sigh and vanishes from the frame as Raige bolts to Godiva's aid. For some stupid reason, the horny idiots who had been completely ignoring Lunch Lady God decide to pay attention when Raige demands that they disperse. Lunch Lady God should smite each and every one of their worthless asses for such a wanton display of disrespect. Lady Godiva, meanwhile, finally gets in her first lines of the evening, and naturally they're things like "Where am I?" and "What is this place?" delivered in a pitifully bad faux British accent. Also, she's for some reason speaking entirely comprehensible modern English despite the fact she was just sucked forward through time nearly a thousand years from the Coventry of 1040. I hate this show. Raige attempts to calm the addled blonde as she wraps Godiva in the professor's purloined black robe. Spectral Maury Sterling watches this transpire with a puzzled yet somehow menacing expression on his face.