Episode Report Card Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A Vulcan's Tale
By Keckler | Season 2 | Episode 2 | Aired on 09.24.2002
Vulcan ship above Earth as Sputnik chuggles by. Vulcan ship has major technobabblage problems, as T'Pol's voice-over explains that the Vulcans had gone to Earth to investigate the launch of the Russian satellite, but had the aforementioned technobabbling problems and were forced to crash-land. There's a scene of Vulcans (including Blalock, playing her gr'gr'mother with a dye job) in p'leathers, trying to "compensate" for the problems before deciding to crash-land. Right before they tear through the atmosphere, the Vulcans send a distress call. "Thank you for calling the Vulcan High Command Hotline. You've selected 'Emergency Crash-Landing Distress Call.' If you know the name of the pre-warp planet you are about to contaminate, press one. Thank you. ["Girl From IP'Nema" plays] Due to unusually high distress volume, the current wait is a whole episode. Please go forth and attempt to fit into the pre-warp culture by wearing their clothes and being unintentionally comical with anachronistic questions about their pop culture, and we will take your call in the order in which it was received. Thank you for calling the Vulcan Distress Hotline. If you need to make reservations in town for your next kohlinahr or pon farr, please consider the Motel 6 in Vulcington V.C. -- we'll leave our plaktau out for you." They crash in a wooded area. The captain dies, leaving T'Pol's gr'gr'mother in command. How conveeenient.
Enterprise. Quantum asks T'Pol why the Vulcans kept all this on the Q't. T'Pol says, "The incident is well-documented at the Science Directorate and the Space Council." "On Vulcan?" Trip asks. No, up your butt and two doors down. "Of course," T'Pol answers. Trip's kompletely kerflummoxed because he can't do his Vulcan generational math. Quantum pours another glass of Boone's Farm Exposition Hill and reminds him that Vulcans are long-lived. Trip asks, "Just how old are you?" It's the second season and they're already repeating lines, word for pathetic word. It wasn't that good the first time, so why keep reminding us? And is it really necessary to always make Trip the addle-pated crewmember with the IQ of a dead flashlight battery? Quantum says, "Trip, that's classified information," but furrows The Furrow Of Good-Natured Captainly Reproach. Quantum attempts to get T'Pol drunk by pouring her more wine -- which for some reason makes it into my glass instead -- and entreats her to go on.
T'Pol tells them that the three surviving Vulcan ETs had no way of knowing if their distress signal had made it through the waiting period, and they had eaten up all their rations, so they were none too chipper. T'Nana uses her scanner to tell them that there are two lifeforms approaching. Suspense. Suspense. Oh, it's only Bambi's mother and aunt. One of the Vulcans suggests eating the deer, but the other two Vulcans are completely horrified by such barbarism. The Vulcan who saw v'nison on the menu and liked it mentions that there's a "settlement" nearby. T'Nana boycotts this, saying, "If we're exposed, we could contaminate their culture." "And if they find our bodies after we starve -- will that contaminate their culture?" C'Rnivore asks. The third Vulcan, who doesn't really amount to much in this episode, says that it is better for the humans to find a mystery than three living aliens. Man, do they take their Prime Directive seriously or what? Kind of like New Hampshire: "Contaminate Not or Die." T'Nana tells C'Rnivore that it's too dangerous, but C'Rnivore is willing to risk it, and walks off. "Remain here," T'Nana tells T'Extra, and runs after C'Rnivore, calling "Mestral!"