Episode Report Card M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Out of Time
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 22 | Aired on 05.15.2005
John Heard will not rest until he's doing the voice-over for every commercial on this show, will he?
4:38:54. Kiefer, Curtis, and Buchanan are gathered over the conference room table, while DoDder and DiCK separately ponder their new family dynamic. Potato Face and Lispy Skip join the meeting in the conference room with the news that they've already run down DiCK's mystery couple via the cab driver, and confirmed their residence at an apartment building in Panorama City. Apparently the building manager there doesn't sleep or something. Buchanan tells Kiefer to "take this." Kiefer wants his best Field Ops, Curtis and Castle. Buchanan says he needs Curtis there. Curtis looks at Kiefer like, "Yeah, I'm sticking around. Hey, even I have to run out of luck sometime." Kiefer says he'll take Soul Patch instead. Buchanan agrees, as if having his romantic rival out of the building and in harm's way is something he actually has to think about. Kiefer leaves to put his team together. Buchanan asks Skip about the phone call, and Skip explains that when the mystery babe called ImhoTerror from DiCK's phone, it "activated a listen-in" so ImhoTerror could eavesdrop on all of DiCK's phone calls from then on. A wiretap with neither wire nor tap, apparently. Ingenious! So that's how ImhoTerror knew where DaD would be so they could kidnap him. Buchanan asks about the search for the missile, and Potato Face says they're still coming up empty so far. Curtis asks whether the Veep's going to make an announcement. "As of now," says Buchanan, "the president still thinks that would do more harm than good." He doesn't look like he entirely agrees.
The Veep has called a little briefing in his outer lobby. He announces to the gathered suits and dress uniforms that he's called in Palmer for assistance, given the nature of the crisis. Palmer is standing there stoically. But before the room can burst into applause, the Speaker butts in with his predictable bitching about what Palmer's position is supposed to be in the chain of command. Palmer explains, "I'm here solely as an advisor. Not only to the President, but to anyone here who requests my counsel." People don't exactly start lining up to be Dr. Philled by the one-termer. Now that the Speaker has gotten his clarification, the Veep continues. He points to a map and explains that the missile was launched from central Iowa, and it's becoming more and more likely that the target is on one of the coasts. A Cabinet member says, "It's clearly going to be New York or D.C. Why aren't we evacuating those two cities?" I think we can assume she's not the Secretary of the Interior. Palmer fields her question, calling her "Jennie" and saying he disagrees with her assessment. Plus evacuating those two cities could start a mass exodus from "Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Atlanta…" He doesn't mention a likely corresponding influx to small towns like East Butthole, Castle Rock, Jerkwater, Armpit, Dogpatch, et cetera. But in any case, Palmer doesn't think the Veep would want to deal with that. The Speaker suggests that maybe the Veep could say that himself. The Veep says he agrees with Palmer. The Speaker asks about air defense, and whether the cities will remain undefended. Palmer jumps in again, saying their limited number of F-18 Interceptors need to be searching for the missile. The Speaker oozes, "Mr. Palmer, I'm sure that we all appreciate your desire to help, but the Constitution has determined who the decision-makers should be at this time." And we all know how this show feels about people who invoke the Constitution, don't we? Palmer interrupts, "In the first place, it's 'Mr. President,' Don." He starts to continue, but the Veep interrupts him in turn: "David?" The Veep backs Palmer on wanting to be addressed as President, but reminds him that it's "not a functional title." Palmer defends his participation in the discussion by saying he's managed terror attacks before. "But we are here now," says the Veep. He says he wants to address the Speaker's concerns. "Perhaps it's best if I excused myself," Palmer says stoically. The Veep agrees, and Palmer leaves the room. The Veep tells the Speaker he's right: "We're going to put those jets over D.C. and New York." The Speaker looks smug. So does the Veep, but for a different reason.
And that reason is that Palmer has just met up with PMHC in the outer hallway, where they establish for the slower viewers that what we just saw was all just a little piece of theater to show everyone that the Veep isn't afraid to disagree with Palmer. "We won't have any more problems with [the Speaker] today," PMMC assesses. Palmer hopes he's right. I do too, because presidents who would rather put on plays than deal with a nuclear attack aren't presidents I would want in the White House. Or under it, even.