Episode Report Card Gwen: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Cameo Cavalcade
By Gwen | Season 4 | Episode 20 | Aired on 04.29.2001
Mr. Dole, played by this female-star-impersonator guy who's supposed to be famous, is conferring with Nelle and John. He says he did want his nose enlarged, but not in the way that the surgeon did it. John makes a big deal out of staring in horror at the guy's nose and being generally offensive. I feel the need to point out that the female impersonator is dressed like a man, but wearing a shitload of "natural-looking" makeup.
Courtroom. The lawyer who always says "I'm not comfortable" is back. Now he's "not confident" and not a whole host of other "con-" words, as if his character were test-marketed and found hilarious by a large, desirable demographic. It's four o'clock in the morning and The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross just came on. How much better would Ally McBeal be if Bob Ross were playing this lawyer's part? Too bad he's dead. The lawyer Bob Ross should be replacing is representing a character named Louis, who is played by Paul Reubens. Louis is suing Sting for breaking up his marriage. He believes that Sting was hitting on his wife (played by Cheri Oteri) during his recent concert. Paul Reubens is funny in this scene, because he's always funny, because he makes funny faces. Cheri Oteri is sitting in the middle of the mostly-empty courtroom, making goo-goo eyes at Sting. Sting is wearing too much rouge, high on his cheekbones. Judge Seymore Walsh says that the case is ridiculous, but that he'll hear it, anyway. "Your Honor, you can't be serious," says Larry. "Despite my perky nature," says the belovedly saturnine Judge Walsh, "I am quite capable of being serious." Larry protests, "But my client is only in the Commonwealth until tomorrow." "The Commonwealth"? Okay, he should lose the case just for that. Judge Walsh says, "Then that's a good excuse for another one of the last-minute, two-day cases we always have on this show." Or something like that. I can't remember what he said, exactly. Bob Ross is putting one of those big, slanted, highlighted-to-shit trees in the foreground of the painting and ruining it, like he always does. One of Sting's songs plays as the camera focuses on Sting's look of consternation. That segue is even tackier than the big, slanted tree.
We see Ally sulking in her bedroom, and I'm already getting pissed off. Shut the fuck up, Ally. Renee walks in, the northern hemispheres of her breasts jiggling with every step, so that she can find out that Ally's taking the day off from work. Renee points out that Ally has no reason to be depressed. When has that ever stopped her, though? Renee leaves, and the broken-record hallucinations start in Ally's mind. Christ. She hallucinates "Hooked on a Feeling" as sung by Vonda, and then the stupid damned dancing baby walks in with a walker. See, the baby is old. He's all wrinkled and wearing glasses. He keels over and dies as Ally watches. She gasps and makes goofy faces into the commercial.