Episode Report Card Sars: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Final Destination
By Sars | Season 4 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.18.2000
Anyway, the train whips past just the seatbelt breaks and Alex yanks Kerr through the window, and the train creams the muscle car, and Alex and Brown Ali hug, and Alex babbles that he saw the seatbelt breaking in his vision, and then the train hits a piece of loose metal, and the metal shard whips over to the kids, and Hitchcock gets beheaded while he's yelling that Kerr's next and he's dead, he's dead, and whooooosh, Hitchcock's head rolls into the underbrush and Hitchcock's body does a funny pratfall. Hee hee. Headless bodies pratfalling = funny. Brown Ali grunts and sobs. Alex's lips make a flappy blubbery sound. Kerr gets up and screams at Alex that he's the devil. Kerr has a giant wet stain down the front of his pants, which leads me to believe that he's projecting his bladder-control frustrations onto Alex. Alex yammers about the design and how he intervened and changed the design. Kerr screamily cries. "Gods don't die, we do!" Alex pants. He's next, he says. Brown Ali bares her teeth to denote "confused and scared." Kerr tells them to get the hell out of there. Fade out on pee-pee pants Kerr clutching his head and bemoaning the untimely demise of his penis surrogate as the sirens approach. The cabin. Alex does his best Colonel Kurtz. Ominous trombones. Alex sets a trap, and death falls into it. Because death is, apparently, a clumsy, stupid piece of shit prone to tripping over lengths of fishing wire. Many, many close-ups of non-cute, blubbery-lipped, sweaty-ass Alex. Alex neener-neeners death: "I can beat you. Not forever, but I've got this cabin rigged to beat you now!" Shut up, Alex. Lightning. Brown Ali peeks out her window. Then she looks at a picture of her and her dad at the cabin and gets an idea. The FBI watches Brown Ali's house. Seconds later, Brown Ali comes out and wants the FBI guys to drive her up to the cabin. "Protective custody" blah blah blah, they won't take her, they just want her to tell them where to find Alex. Alex. Newspaper article about the betties. He realizes he never moved on the flight. I don't get it. Lightning. "She's next." Brown Ali sees a power line go down and start snaking around on the ground, spitting sparks. Alex ditches the cabin just as the FBI guys pull up. He jumps into a canoe -- yes, a canoe -- and begins rowing madly away as Henchguy bawls, "Alex! ALEX!" Row, Alex! Row like the wind! Or, don't. I don't really give a shit either way, frankly, so do what you have to do. Brown Ali lights candles. Outside, her chained-up dog barks madly at the whipping power line. Way to bring your dog in for the night, Brown Ali. If death doesn't get your ass, the ASPCA should. She struggles into her coat to go deal with the dog, and the candle she just lit gets blown out. By the ominous breeze. Smoke curls away from the wick. I do believe I might get it. Maybe. Sort of. Ask not for whom the power line tolls, Brown Ali. It tolls for thee.