Episode Report Card Potes: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Kim Gets A Toaster
By Potes | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 09.20.2005
And then, My Life as a Cover Girl starring Naima Mora. I am providing a transcript for those of you who might have walked out during the commercial.
Naima: Hi everyone! Woooooooow! I just couldn't wait to tell you all about my exciting life as a Cover Girl! Now, you may think that it's really easy to be America's Next Top Model, but I assure you that not living up to the public's already-low expectations can be really hard work! So, you may be wondering what happened to my Mohawk. Well, soon after it became apparent that my good photos and aura of mystery from the show were actually dumb luck and vacuousness, respectively, Tyra and Ken Mok gave me Eva's post-victory blonde poodle hair in hopes that some of its magic would rub off. Yes, that's right, right off of the head of Miss Eva the Diva! I kind of like it, except for all those Missy Elliott pubes that are stuck in there. But no matter. Look how well it's working! I got to throw out the first pitch at a Baltimore Orioles game and then sweep the stadium when it was over, which gave me the perfect opportunity to practice that runway walk, in case I ever encounter a runway with 6,000 stairs, in the event that I ever actually get to be in a fashion show. Wooooooooow! See you all next week, where I will continue to tell you all about my super adventures as a real-live fashion model.
When we return, we are eased into the judging panel by a photo of a constipated Tyra brandishing a diamond-encrusted sword. Seriously, she looks insane. The real Tyra, however, looks quite lovely as she welcomes the girls to the new judging room. She goes over the amazing prizes: a contract with Ford Models, a spread in Elle magazine and the cover of Elle Girl magazine, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl cosmetics. So, pretty much the same stuff as before, but Gilles Bensimon has finally come to his senses. Tyra tells the girls that they have some amazing judges and introduces them one by one as they come from backstage. First is Nigel Barker, noted fashion photographer and sometime object of lust. Next is Miss J., who explains that his giant corsage contains thirteen flowers, one of which will be removed every week until only one girl remains. That is queer even for him.
And now, heartache. Tyra says that the last judge "is someone that is a fashion icon. She is one of the top three most profound, most influential fashion models on this earth." And thus, Twiggy is introduced. She looks pretty much exactly like Olivia Newton-John. Tyra can't resist twisting the knife into the poor Janice Dickinson, who is obviously watching while quietly rifling through Omarosa's knife drawer, and says that Twiggy was the first teenager to become a supermodel in the 1960s, and has been on the cover of nearly every fashion magazine: "Not a lot of supermodels have done that." The tongue bath continues as Tyra says that her mama loved Twiggy, and that Twiggy popularized huge drawn-on eyelashes, which became known as "Twiggies." Twiggy is wearing a conservative black suit, which makes me long for Janice and her scary cleavage ever more.