Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Three Stigmata Of Chrissssty Retard
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 19 | Aired on 04.29.2006
We shudder around the top of the Transamerica Pyramid for a bit before landing in a dank and forbidding alleyway filled with Convenient Shipping Pallets Of Grave Bodily Injury in a variety of sizes, along with an imperiled and soon-to-be-dead Whitelighter-to-be and a black-clad demonic sort. Mikelle -- played by Sara Downing, whom I should recognize from her six-episode stint as a Ferret stalker six years ago on Roswell but don't, because I've forgotten absolutely everything there is to remember about that particular piece of wicked evilness, and thank God for that -- plants one of her boots in the demonic sort's chest, slamming him into a small pile of pallets before spinning on her heel and racing off down the alleyway. Raige chooses this moment to orb in, and Mikelle's all, "Holy crap!" in surprise at the orbing, which is a little more amusing than it should be. Meanwhile, the dark demonic sort reveals himself to be a Darklighter when he conjures up one of their very familiar crossbows to take aim at Mikelle's back. "Duck!" Raige shouts, and Mikelle hits the asphalt just as the Darklighter squeezes the trigger. Deploying her orbing telekinesis, Raige reverses the arrow's course, sending the thing flying straight back at the Darklighter's head. He dodges the thing at the last instant, and it embeds itself in a length of corrugated metal. By this point, Mikelle's returned to her feet to pant, "[Raige], I don't understand -- where did you come from?" Raige is all, "I don't have time for this shit," and, latching onto Mikelle's right arm, orbs both herself and her charge away just as the Darklighter smokes another arrow into his crossbow. He lowers his weapon once he realizes they're gone and shoots a couple of foul glances at the emptiness they'd so recently been occupying before he yanks his first arrow out of the wall and huffily black orbs himself directly into the opening credits.
A time-wasting Opening Travelogue! Hooray! Pity it's so boring. The sun rises above the Golden Gate Bridge, and the camera swings around the span for a few passes before we cross-fade over to All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, where the Feebs arrives to find the office in the throes of Take Your Aggravating Rugrat To Work Day, and next! No, seriously, on to the next scene, because Phoebe's uterus is throbbing so loudly at this moment that I'm surprised the resulting sonic waves aren't shaking that tired old newspaper building apart at the seams, and what's more, I DO NOT CARE ABOUT PHOEBE'S ATTEMPTS TO GET KNOCKED UP. Long story short, Phoebe and her overactive ovaries wade through the tide of annoying brats until Phoebe notices Stoop lounging around in her office, paging through a copy of the paper emblazoned with the front-page headline "'ASK PHOEBE' A WHORE." Oh, my bad -- the headline actually reads, "'ASK PHOEBE' A HERO," so that must mean he's reading something from much, much earlier in this neverending, godforsaken season for whatever reason. None of that really matters, though, for Stoop is here only to berate the Feebs for screwing up the plans he so carefully crafted for her in the last episode, or something. Seems that after all that rampant, derivative stupidity, Phoebe barely managed to make it through a single date with Douchey Michael, The Tooliest Toolbox In The Whole Entire World, and Stoop's pissed because he has a reputation to protect, and NOT CARING! and move it along, please! Phoebe basically tells Stoop to go blow because she's got bigger issues to deal with this evening. He rises to his feet and, after allowing himself a little sigh of disappointment, urges her to talk to The Ultimate Retard before he exits, shutting Phoebe's office door behind him. Phoebe stares at his retreating form for a while until the screen flashes white, kicking us over to...