Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Three Stigmata Of Chrissssty Retard
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 19 | Aired on 04.29.2006
...Not!warts. The Ultimate Retard's consummately conflicted. Manipulative Chrissssty's ssssecretly evil. Coma-prone Demian's catatonically drooling, because this shit is boring, and CANCELLED! Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty can prove that the Glamorous Idiots have "lost their way." Is Maggot Neck ready to see that? Who the hell cares? Next!
The Hagquarters. Phoebe enters and closes the door, but barely has the latch clicked shut before someone knocks. It's Stoop, of course, who'd been "hovering in the ether" waiting for the Feebs to arrive, and the two settle in the Hagquarters's living room to rehash recent events until Phoebe wonders, "If I ask you a question, you have to promise me that you'll be really honest?" "Absolutely," Stoop replies. Phoebe takes a deep, nervous breath, and releases it with, "Do you think I'm selfish?" "OH MY FUCKING GOD, YES," Stoop does not reply. "A THOUSAND, THOUSAND, THOUSAND TIMES YES," he fails to continue. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE THE GALL TO ASK THAT QUESTION OF ANYONE AND EXPECT ANY ANSWER BUT 'YES,' YOU FOUL, SHRIVELED, SELF-CENTERED HAG OF A WOMAN," he neglects to conclude. Not to worry, though. I'm pretty sure those of us still watching this crap took care of all that for him. God knows I did. Stoop instead lets loose with yet another cheery little speech about how Phoebe deserves to enjoy a normal life after everything she's done over the last eight years, but I wasn't paying attention because I was too busy listing all the different examples of Phoebe's hagritude I'd have to yank links for in this sentence, and by the time I realized there were more examples than there were words, the scene had ended. Pity!
Manor. Up in the Broken Marriage Boudoir, Piper perches on the coffee table as Elizabeth Dennehy orbs into the room from Whitelighterland. Piper thanks her for coming, and gets right to the point: "I need to know if [Maggot Neck] and [Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty] are the ones we're going to have to fight to get [the Dolt] back." Short answer? The Ever-Useless Elders haven't a freaking clue. Big surprise, there. The longer answer involves The Triad and the "insidious" plot they put into motion years before the Glamorous Ladies even knew about their inherited bitchcraft and super-special Capital-D Destiny in the world and whatnot, but you don't really need to plow through all of that, do you? Didn't think so. Basically, all signs point to yes, but as The Ever-Useless Elders can't offer a definitive answer, Elizabeth Dennehy will be of no use in convincing Phoebe and Raige of the danger they face from The Sisters Retard. As Elizabeth orbs on out of there, Raige arrives to announce that Maggot Neck's just phoned to request a summit. The two descend the main stairs to join Phoebe on the sun porch, where she's arrived after receiving a similar call from The Ultimate Retard. "This could be a very bad idea," Piper warns. "I just spoke with an [Ever-Useless] Elder, and she confirmed those two could be very big trouble for us." "What?" Raige gasps. Piper's forced to admit that Elizabeth "wasn't a hundred percent sure," but before she gets much further, The Ultimate Retard blooms on the sun porch in a cloud of teleportation mojo. God, remember when people on this show who didn't have access to Whitelightery orbing actually had to walk from place to place? Those were some good times. In any event, Piper gets in a good one when she greets Maggot Neck with, "You know, considering you want to kill us, maybe you should use the front door." Heh. Of course, Piper, you do realize that snappy one-liners would no longer be necessary if you'd just blow her oddly proportioned ass up right now, yes? Piper ignores me, and that's bad news for her, for The Ultimate Retard's barely materialized before she flips a vial of something dark and presumably dangerous at the Manor Morons' feet. Each P glows white for a moment before they all collapse onto the floor, unconscious. D'oh! Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty appears at her sister's side to make with the smirking and the false promises and such before the screen flares white to dump us into...