Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Emily's Reasons Why Not
By Jacob Clifton | Season 2 | Episode 14 | Aired on 01.02.2012
(Everybody bitches at Emily, because without horrible things constantly happening to Emily we'd have to go back to doing horrible things to Hanna, which is a no-go because everything horrible that could ever happen has already happened to Hanna previously.)
Emily: "I am going to talk to a person!"
Spencer: "You can't make a deal with a rattlesnake."
Hanna: "Rattlesnakes can talk?"
Emily: "Yeah, well, your mom is going to throw us all under the bus if she ever comes home from where your parents are all the time. This is because you are a bitch."
(Spencer beats the shit out of Emily. They are wearing orange coveralls. It is like the inside of Drew Barrymore's brain. Or maybe that is the explanation for why everybody in the club is being so mean to Emily, despite her being the best one, who never does anything mean or interesting. It sort of makes you feel deranged, not knowing why.)
Emily: "Some pain cream would really help after that beatdown."
(Garrett, watching from his car, pops some M&Ms in his mouth. And a boner in his pants.)
MORNING MARINTOWN
Ashley Marin: "Hanna, now that Emily lives with us you need to be nicer to her. This last month of everybody being horrible to Emily is really freaking me out."
Hanna: "I'll be nicer to her when hell freezes over. Which is to say, around about the time that mysterious architect reappears to ask about that old lady you mugged for her fortune, I will be civil."
Ashley, verbatim: "If Emily's parents had taken her back to Texas, the plea bargain would have fallen apart, you might have gone to jail. Whatever it is that happened between the two of you..."
(What plea bargain? What on earth? They plead nolo to a charge of finding a shovel? Lotta work for the defense on that one.)
Hanna: "I don't want to talk about this. Allow me to poke the bruise of how I ruined your ex-husband's wedding mere minutes after you secretly dumped him and sent him running back to his jug-blowing hick of a wife. For some reason he's acting really snotty with me about that still."
Ashley: "Yeah, because you ruined his wedding."
Hanna: "I'd motherfucking do it again."
Ashley: "That's my girl."
Emily: "Good morning, everybody but Hanna!"
Ashley: "Good morning, better daughter than Hanna."
Hanna: (Bounces in a huff.)
Ashley: "Emily, I wish Hanna would stop being horrible to you."
Emily: "Frankly I wish everybody would stop being horrible to me, Ash."
Ashley: "Oh, you received a fax on this fax machine we have in our kitchen for all our important kitchen documents."
Emily: "This fax. Is it from 1997?"