Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Urine The Money
By Stee | Season 9 | Episode 11 | Aired on 08.27.2000
e" and at the same time, most gay speech Theo has ever made. James finishes his rousing shirtless dude-talk and the pumped-up Theo swims to the raft. "Oh, that's so neat-o," chaws Theo, looking down into the water. "Yeah," giggles MayorMehgan. Oh shut up, Mehgan. Spell your name right -- then you can giggle. So PukeTheo dives and makes twenty-two feet. "Damn," he hicks.Back on the boat, Mehgan tells the kids that they did well, but that it wasn't the "end of our mission here." James goes floaty, suddenly looking just like that chubby MTV VJ Dave Holmes, and says that the next day they will have to go three feet or more past their original depth in order to win the typical money etc. etc. The kids sit on bleachers back on land and Mehgan goes around asking them for their goal depth for the next day. Everyone sets their goal between three and five feet more than the first dive. When she gets to Theo, he says, "Um...I'm gonna go with thirty-five." Music cue. Camera swivel. "No," says a few people. Kathryn tries to reason with him and get him to set his goal at twenty-five. Holly floats that she doesn't know what Theo was thinking: "There's a very good potential for doing serious damage to yourself if you dive too deep, and Theo is getting cocky." Just what more serious damage could he possibly do to himself? Seriously. If everything goes wrong and he gets a brain squeeze or something, maybe he starts to make sense when he talks.
Back to the group as Theo yodels about wanting to challenge himself. They point out that if he sets the goal too high and doesn't make it, they won't get their prize money. He talks about his ears "equalizing" as his floaty self hicks, "And it's like, c'mon guys. Don't you want me to see at least try to do the best that I can?" Does B/M listen to these quotes and realize they don't make grammatical sense -- and then choose to air them anyway? Or maybe they just want to make Theo look dumber -- I mean, as dumb as he is. Argue argue argue. Mehgan says, "I kind of need to know today." Shut up, Mehgan. Theo goes for thirty. James then mini-floats. "Theo and I always say 'Go big or go home' [thumbs-up sign, as part of the mantra, I imagine -- fucking hysterical], you know." He continues that he thinks the guys are supposed to do better in the physical challenges than the girls, and that having himself and "L.T." around, and having not played sports, puts some pressure on Theo and thus he feels intimidated. James sucks. However, he's dead-on right about this and Theo admits it. (But if the boys are supposed to do so much better, how come in most of the challenges so far, they haven't? Huh? Huh?) Theo talks to Laterrian in the Shasta about his goal-setting and about never playing football and not having had the opportunity to throw the touchdown with two or three seconds left. A lot of "dude"s. Talk of pride and setting the goal as far away as Theo can. Laterrian wonders why he doesn't just set it, then, at one thousand feet. Laterrian's logic escapes me. Outwitted by Theo...that's pretty bad. Theo naturally says that he'd like to at least set a goal he could possibly "attain." Laterrian makes a poor argument back about thirty-five being like a thousand to the rest of the group and now I'm lost. This scene is tiring. Blah blah blah goalcakes. Whatever. Gomer says something dismissive about the rest of the group's obviously not caring since they're not there discussing it with Theo. ( "Dude," I could imagine eight million things I'd rather be doing there in Florida than sitting in the fucking RV trying to make sense of your shit. I'd rather go clothes shopping with Kathryn or listen to Holly's stories about her horny grandmother or even trade locker-room prank tales with James than being locked in the Shasta with Theo.)
Outside now. Holly wears a pretty little pink dress and make-up and looks, yes, rather fetching. Oh shut up, you people. Don't you judge me! Holly stands as Theo, James, and Laterrian sit. Holly tries to reason with Theo very patiently. More patiently than Jughead deserves, in my humble opinion (or "IMHO," as the kids love to say so much these days.) Holly explains that he's risking the group's money, and Theo comes back hard with, "Every time you guys made your decision, I said 'hey...that's your feet, you go for it.' I'm gonna risk it." Theo, by the way, is wearing a shirt with the nametag "Adams" and a leopard-print collar. I'll let you make your own judgement about that. Holly goes on to talk about the competition some more and Theo says, "Oh, so it's about the [finger-quotes] 'money.'" Theo says that when he sees the little diving flag, he sees "[his] goal." "Baby," he hicks, "if all you envision in this world is dollar signs, then that's a shame." Hee. Holly is all Scaryteeth all over Florida. Laterrian and James look very uncomfortable because they know Holly is right and that's a sad sad day. Then Theo advises Holly to swim to the bottom and hook her flag "onto the back of a [beep] shark and just swim as far as you can after it." Holly looks at him like he's insane. It's actually the same look I have on my face right now...well, sans Scaryteeth. Future Short Hair Holly floats and ho-ho's about how Theo "unstantly [sic] decides [she's] being negative" and doesn't listen and it's very frustrating. Meanwhile, those B/M editing scamps do a split-screen with Theo in slo-mo issuing his "shark dis." (By the way, I've given up on you guys, just go ahead and do whatever nonsense you want -- I obviously can't stop you, nor can I stop watching the show. You want fifty-eight screens open at one time? Fucking go for it. I dare you. I issue a dare right now. Fifty-eight simultaneous split-screens. Do it. Go Big Or Go Home.) I'd like to see Holly and Theo on Big Brother because it would be fun to see them constantly tying for first place for who gets voted out of the house.