Episode Report Card DeAnn Welker: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Pregnancy Scare
By DeAnn Welker | Season 5 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.03.2011
't know why she ever chose him as a friend. Jack: "Let's just be clear about this: I chose you." Lutz barges in and congratulates Lemon, and kisses her stomach. It's so gross. Then he tells Jack they have a pitch meeting later. Jack leaves, one can only assume to go jump off the Top of the Rock.As instructed, Jack's listening his staff's horrible pitches. Because even when he thinks they're crazy, Jack's a company guy and he follows orders. Frank's is something about kung-fu with a mind-reading black chick sidekick. Pete wants something that switches from porn to basketball immediately for when the kids walk in. Griz and DotCom can't get their slideshow to work. Kenneth proposes making TV more suitable for children, Christians, and the elderly by putting a black bar on the lower half of the screen that keeps you from seeing nudity or soccer. Jack congratulates him on having the worst idea so far. Kenneth is thrilled.
Jenna and Tracy are each in half of the sweatshirt when they three-legged monster into Lemon's office to complain about each other. Pete comes in and tells them to lay off Lemon, who's pregnant. They're both excited and nice about it, even though Tracy's not interested in godfather duties and Jenna is going to need to eat the umbilical cord. They're very sorry for stressing her out, so they leave. She almost stops to tell them the truth, but then realizes the brilliance of everyone thinking she's pregnant, so she takes the sweatshirt and bosses them around some more. Then she tells Pete to get her four egg sandwiches (she is eating for two, after all).
Hank's checking in on Jack's progress on co-worker pitch day; Jack's not crazy about the results so Hank tells him about eating at an Indian restaurant, which seems like it's supposed to be a joke, but I don't get it. Anyway, Jack tells Hank he appreciates that he has his way of doing things, but Jack has his way, too. He says he's a "six sigma black belt ultra with the groin branding to prove it." Hank wonders if Six Sigma is the name of a rock band. Jack would like to share his own idea instead, hoping it will convince Hank that employee pitch day could be better spent drinking brandy and looking out the window. Hank appreciates Jack putting it on the line, so Jack makes his pitch: What if you didn't need a remote control, but could control the TV with just your voice? Brilliant! Jack says, "Television on. Channel NBC." It's Richard Belzer and Ice-T on Law & Order: SVU. Hank thinks it's pretty amazing. Until Ice-T says the word "off" and the TV shuts off. Jack turns it back on, and Belzer says "mute." It mutes. Jack unmutes it. Ice-T says "high volume" and the volume goes way up. Jack turns it back down. Then Belzer says "delete everything that's on my DVR" and it does that too. Hank tells Jack this doesn't seem to work, so he'd like to jump to employee ideas. Jack says he has another idea, but he steals Kenneth's about black bar at the bottom of the screen. Hank loves it, because he doesn't think children should see racy content such as soccer or a woman stuffing a turkey. He thinks it's a family idea, and they could sell ads in the black bar. Jack names it BlaBar (according to the captions). Hank hugs him and says he'll go far. Jack, who's still standing in front of the TV, says "crap" and it flips to Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Nicely done.
Jack finds Kenneth in the hall and confessed that he told Hank about the black bar concept, but that he presented it as his own idea. Kenneth thinks that's wonderful, and wants to move on to the next topic. Jack tells Kenneth that he has him over a barrel and needs to do something about it, but Kenneth doesn't want to. Jack tells him that bosses always steal from employees, but the employees get something in return. Kenneth says Jack didn't steal anything from him, because best friends can't steal from each other. So not true, but then again, they're not best friends and Kenneth is a nutball. Kenneth tells Jack to stop being a Silly Simon, and leaves him standing sadly in the hallway. Jack yells after him that it doesn't work this way. "You're the one being a Silly Simon!" Tell him, Jack.
Carmen and a camera guy are in Lemon's office to do that interview about the single mothers in their 40s when Lemon shows up. Carmen says she thought she'd just ambush Lemon, and hopes she's not unprepared. Lemon lies that she's not at all, duh. Carmen grills her, rapid-fire: