Episode Report Card Michael Neal: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT God Vs. McDonald's
By Michael Neal | Season 3 | Episode 11 | Aired on 02.12.2009
Elisa tells Jack that they can leave, but only after they both go to confession. Now is as good a time as any for me to mention that I'm a lapsed Catholic. Confession is a wonderful exercise in the life of a teenage boy. It's really the only age when one can open up to a complete stranger -- usually an adult male -- about how many times he has masturbated to nude drawings of She-Hulk:
"I don't quite understand, my son. These nude drawings -- they are in a comic book?"
"Not quite, Father."
"Because it would seem inappropriate for a publishing company to sell such books to young children, negligent at best."
"I drew the naked pictures of She-Hulk in my notebook, Father."
"And then masturbated to them?"
"Yes."
"Drawn or traced?"
"Excuse me Father?"
"I'm asking if you drew them? Anyone can trace, after all. To draw is an actual skill."
"Oh. Well then, I traced them, I suppose."
"Two Hail Mary's for the masturbation. Five Our Father's for the omission that you traced instead of drew. It is creatively dishonest."
Jack sits in confession but doesn't confess until he goads himself into having an intellectual argument about capitalism vs. religion with the benign priest. Jack lists off his sins like they're worth a nickel at a penny factory. (Right? I just made that up.) The priest asks to know the real reason behind Jack's visit to the church, and Jack explains it to him as only a man in love with an incredibly curvy Hispanic woman can. It only takes two sentences before he's describing in great detail the feel and shape of her breasts. The priest starts sweating like Richard Chamberlain. He runs out of the confessional, away from the temptation. Jack exits the confessional only to be confronted by a very stern-looking (and bosomy) Elisa. Have we mentioned her tits yet?
There is, of course, a third date on this Valentine's Day, between Kenneth, the blind girl Jennifer, and parrot-sounding Tracy. Kenneth escorts her down a hallway at 30 Rock. "That limo ride was weird," she says. "It felt like we just circled the block 50 times." Tracy tells her it's the only way to get to New York's fanciest restaurant. When they arrive at the soundstage, it's set up just like a restaurant. DotCom is in on the elaborate hoax, as the greeter, and Grizz is clanging together glasses and pouring water in the corner. Kenneth and Tracy, and the girl, sit down at a table by candlelight.