Episode Report Card Al Lowe: A | 53 USERS: B- YOU GRADE IT Bunch Of Turkeys
By Al Lowe | Season 6 | Episode 10 | Aired on 2005.11.22
It's the night of the Hep Alien showcase. Rory is in place with the video camera when Lane runs up, her hair all punked out. Rory says that Lane looks almost intimidatingly cool, but really, she looks super-cute, as always. Rory asks if everything's ready, and Lane says yes, even though their sound check was a little weird. "Well, you know what they say," Rory says. "Weird sound check, good gig." Lane nods before asking "who says that?" Rory: "Well, just me. But I'm hoping it will catch on." Lane points out the two label guys in attendance and Rory promises not to hurt them when she starts violently slamdancing. Aw, sometimes Alexis Bledel makes me love Rory. She can be an occasional guest on the Paris/Lane show. She wishes Lane luck as the latter rushes to get backstage...
...where things are not good. Zach is freaking out, complaining about the monitors not working with his new mic. He snaps at everyone, and when Lane comes through to announce that they have one minute, he rages that they'll go on when he says so: "No one tells Axl Rose when he goes on. He goes on when he feels like it." Actually, Zach, nobody tells him much of anything, because he is bloated and weird and doesn't go on anywhere at all anymore. Everyone looks uncomfortable, especially when Zach decides to throw out the set list. "I'm gonna be calling out tunes like Jack White," he says. I hate a band that does that. Brian complains that they've rehearsed in that order and have transitions. "REO Speedwagon had transitions, too," Zach yells. "You wanna be REO Speedwagon? We should have brought a smoke machine!" Aw, DAMN, yo. DO NOT be busting on REO Speedwagon. When you can come out and play "Roll With the Changes," then we'll talk. Until then, stick it. The band is at a loss as to why Zach seems to have taken an overdose of assidopholus, and when the announcer raises the curtain, they scramble to try to figure out what to play. No one has a clue, and Zach is still complaining to the sound guy about the monitors. Things are getting desperate and the crowd is not happy. Zach smarms that the crowd needs to settle down, since it will be worth the wait to them to hear the band that's about to get the biggest record deal in history. Brian takes half a step toward his amp and Zach kicks him, telling him to get back. Lane screams and Gil yells at Zach not to kick Brian. "Nobody's gonna tell me what to do on my stage with my band," Zach shouts to the angry crowd, as Gil tells the goofy Joel that he needs to find another place to stand. Brian hears and says that if he moves over, he'll block Lane, which sets Zach off yet again. "Oh yeah," he says, getting in Brian's face. "You don't want Lane blocked, do you?" Brian says they should go back to the set list, and the whole thing falls apart completely. "No, we're not gonna do that," Zach says. "I'm here to destroy the system, so stay outta my way!" He takes off his guitar and freaks, throwing punches until Gil leaps across the stage and tackles him. (According to this week's Entertainment Weekly, by the way, Sebastian Bach messed up his knee during this scene. All in the name of rock.) All hell breaks loose, and Lane tries to stop them, but can't. The best part is Joel Gion, still on stage in front of the curtain, just kind of goofily cruising and chilling while the melee goes on.