Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT A Message From the Ministry Of Awesome
By Jacob Clifton | Season 4 | Episode 16 | Aired on 02.06.2003
This is where Ahkna begins to really deal, because Grayza's speaking her language now: "You would seize power?" Again, Grayza says, for the greater good. Not to mention how it'll help Ahkna herself. Ahkna blusters: "I need no help in that regard." Which is a lie. Grayza asks how many years it's been since Ahkna's father was deposed, and how long since her last promotion. (The sheer tonnage of backstory should tell you how central Ahkna just got to the rest of the series.) "Too long," she nods, "But then, I don't resort..." -- she stares directly at Grayza's magic boobs -- "...to the methods you utilize, to advance." Not actually an "oh, snap," because the magic boobs are the most respectable thing about Grayza to my mind, or as she puts it: "Would you have a weapon in your armory and leave it unused, out of squeamish good taste?" Word to the infinite power, and something I wish we'd said a hell of a lot earlier. There's no room in this show to be creeped out by the simple fact of womanhood, which is what you're doing when you call her a whore. A Commando interrupts -- irritating both ladies -- to let Braca know that a Nebari female's been sighted on the settlement. Braca leaves to check it out, and the women return to business.
Captain Braca mistakenly grabs a woman who's not Chiana, as things go in this trope; meanwhile, Chiana and Noranti run through the settlement, quite changed. Chiana has bright red hair, deep blue skin, and a light green suit. She looks violently beautiful -- and wait till you hear the voice! Noranti's hair is smooth, and her ears are crazy big, like pomegranate size, sticking out like Alfred E. Neuman, and her skin is smooth and Caucasian-colored, and her third eye is gone. She's wearing a shiny silver dress, and bitching to Chiana about how ugly she looks: "I look hideous. No wisdom creases. No memory lines." She feels her forehead for her eye, and cries out. Braca suddenly approaches, and Chiana tells Noranti to quit bitching and say quiet. They stand at the bar.
Braca, at attention, addresses the room: "We're looking for a female Nebari." He taps Chiana and Noranti, who ignore them, and he persists. Finally Chi turns her head, slowly, and with a lovely, gravelly voice, suggests he try "Soorat's: Level Three. Any kind of female you could care for." She winks at him boredly; he grabs her wrist. "Hands. Off. I'm not on the market." Blue Chiana's bitchin' like Lacy LaPlante! "Besides, I don't even like men," and she turns to Noranti and they act bizarre for a sec. He grabs her and does a DNA scan, telling her to be quiet. "Oh, quiet? Quiet, my eema!" She yells at him about how his fancy uniform is worth nothing in the grand scheme, and he turns to Noranti with the scanner. "What is that? Drugs? I don't need drugs, I've got true love. You don't need drugs if you've got true love." It's low in the audio mix and just sounds kind of like crazed muttering, but it's so, so funny. She and Chiana look deeply into each other's eyes and Eskimo kiss. "You seen a Nebari female?" he asks. Every time he speaks, they tear themselves away from each other, and the longer it goes the more you can tell it's working: Please stop crowding us, little boy.