Episode Report Card Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Water, water, everywhere, and yet it costs a lot
By Miss Alli | Season 1 | Episode 8 | Aired on 02.25.2004
Protégé meets in the suite to perfect their pitch. Troy wants to say something like, "We're here to represent the latest and greatest product that's coming out. Jump onto this tidal wave or get washed out with the rest of them." If I were someone receiving that pitch, I think the first thing I'd say would be, "Wait...it's water, right?" Troy interviews that all of these people with their advanced degrees decided that he and his high school diploma should be "the closer." Obviously, he is very proud. He speaks a little too soon, though. Heidi says that she's playing "devil's advocate," and I have a feeling she may almost be role-playing the objections she anticipates Troy's pitch will bring, because she goes on to say that it tastes like normal water as far as she's concerned. Troy says that he's "so glad" she made that point, because he hates people who sip water and then pronounce that it doesn't taste like water. Does that happen a lot? Anyway, she says, "I like my Poland Springs." "Absolutely," Troy says reassuringly, "I understand you like that Poland Springs, but now you're involved with a product that's not from Poland...you're involved with a product that's from New York." HA! Ahem. Heidi blinks at Troy like, "Oh, this is going to be a barrel of laughs." Not just any barrel, either. A barrel from Poland.
VersaCorp is also meeting, and Nick is reading water specs, like the fact that the water has very low mineral content. Ereka pronounces this a "really, really big deal." In an interview, she interviews that she's the PM, and she's really looking forward to it. "If I fail, I fuckin' fail!" she says happily, because she is such a gosh-darn good sport. In the meeting, Bill makes the point to her that he doesn't think they want to stress stuff like the mineral content, because they're "not selling to the end user." He makes the point that the business guys don't really care how good the water is, they want to know whether people will buy it. I'm very proud of myself, because I don't know anything about business or selling, and that's exactly what I thought when she said that. Bill interviews that Ereka is "a very emotional girl" (blech), and that she has a tendency to lose her cool, but that "if she can remain calm, [they'll] be okay." In the meeting, he explains to her that when he did the Cigar of the Month club, he would do things like offer a deal where you'd order six months and get the seventh month free. She basically blows him off, saying that they need to just "get calling." Bill interviews that he has some expertise in what they're trying to do here, and she isn't listening to a word he says. A random shot of Trump Ice sits here unnecessarily at the end of this sequence, yelling, "I have no artistic or storytelling function! I am here by contract!"
The next day, Boyfriend Bill and Ereka head into Wolf's to try to make a sale. Ereka tells the guy that their job with regard to the water is to "buzz it up." Bill looks up like, "Wha-huh?" At their next appointment, Ereka announces that it's their job to "create buzz." The guy stops and says, "And that's the pitch?" I'm pretty sure that when people say, "And that's the pitch?", it almost never means, "Because if it is, it is a humdinger!" At the next stop, she again announces that it's their job to "create a buzz." Bill finally interviews in frustration: "What are you doing to create this tremendous 'buzz'?" He expresses his opinion that you can't just announce a buzz. And boy, do I agree. You can't really tell people, "I know you've never heard of this product, but there's a real buzz surrounding it." Boyfriend Bill decides to take a different approach with these last people, and he just tells them that he can get them a good price on water. Imagine that! In fact, he says, "We're appealing to your financial senses here." Wait...financial senses? Instead of buzz? What is this rationality you speak of? The customers at this point are like, "Oh. Okay, we'll take two pallets." Heh. "In business, it's about numbers," Bill voices over. "It's about how much you bring in to the bottom line at the end of the year, rather than 'you should just buy this product...because I'm cute.'" Especially not when you dress like Ereka does; I'm just saying.