Episode Report Card Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The no-sell motel
By Miss Alli | Season 3 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.26.2005
Meanwhile, some of the Net Worth women head for Target, where they'll be picking up pillows and blankets. Brian talks to a contractor about adding a wall. A wall? Oy. He informs us that he's so hot at negotiating with contractors that "every one of [his] teammates" should take it as "an education." It's a shame he doesn't think more highly of himself. We see that Brian is telling the contractor that they're going with fourteen new toilets and fourteen new vanities. Craig looks on with surprise. Craig interviews that he wasn't sure where the idea of replacing all the toilets came from. Craig tries to tell Brian that they don't need new toilets; they just need new seats. Seriously, when was the last time you looked carefully at the non-seat portion of your motel toilet, provided it wasn't rusted or dirty? I would so much rather have an in-room coffeemaker, I can't even tell you. He also points out in his interview that Brian's approach meant throwing out a lot of work that Chris and John and Craig had done, checking on exactly which room needed what. Brian, instead, is opting for a "blanket purchase," like he's being the big man and everything. "You can't renovate units and not get new toilets," Brian flatly declares. I would love to hear what he thinks the likelihood is of a guest giving fewer stars because there isn't a new toilet. Because if you ask me, he forgot how they were being judged. It's not by Trump, or by general construction standards. It's by guest reviews. And guests will not know the difference between a new toilet and an old one, unless the old one is extremely disgusting, which these are not. They need seats, and that's all. Nobody's licking the outside of the pedestal, Brian.
At Target, Audrey, Kristen, Tara, Tana, and Angie are all shopping for textiles when Audrey gets a call about the fourteen new toilets Brian just ordered. Audrey wrinkles her brow. She says into the Space Communicator that she doesn't really think replacing all the toilets is a good way to spend money. Audrey explains that they'll just get new seats, but Brian tells her it's too late -- the toilets are already taken apart and pulled out. Audrey looks into the camera in a highly annoyed interview. "If we were to lose this task, it would be because Brian chose to throw out fourteen toilets that people shit in," she says with frustration. And I instantly love her a little. Brian also tells her on the Space Communicator that she needs to stop talking, because he's trying to call the carpet guy. They hang up. "What a fucking prick," Audrey says to the other women. I'm telling you, I didn't like her that much before, but I like her potty mouth. And I love that they left in her saying "fucking prick," just like they leave in football coaches screeching "MOTHERFUCKER!" at the ref, like you can't read lips that well. "You're not going to know the difference between a $500 toilet and a $5 toilet," she grumps in her interview. "Your ass doesn't know the difference." Hee. It's not common that you get the opportunity to use the expression "don't underestimate my ass" in quite such a literal sense. "Brian will never get it," she says. I wish she had added, "At least not from me."