Episode Report Card Gwen: D | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Car Wash
By Gwen | Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired on 10.24.1999
So Rev. Martian says okay. Reesa jumps for joy, turns to Ally and says, "I know I've only known you for one day, but...."...But here's Ally in a teal chiffon bridesmaid's dress, walking down the aisle. Hardy, har. She's rudely gesturing to guests not to photograph her. She grimaces and tugs at her gown like the mannerless egomaniac she is. She didn't even comb her hair for the occasion. She just impaled her head on a few rhinestoned bobby pins. Way to uglify a girl's big day, Ally! You go, you hopeless romantic, you! Richard and Ling are seated in one of the pews. Ling in her huge hat reads my mind and asks Richard why they're there. He says it's because Reesa is that daughter of an important client. Oh, okay. That's logical. Here comes Reesa down the aisle with her daddy. Her dress is really pretty. Ally's making one of her many spooky faces at the bride, and then she turns and sees the groom and it's -- guess who -- the guy from the car wash! Gasp! Ally doesn't just gasp, though. She screams. Of course she has to scream and act ridiculous and draw everyone's attention. Then, in that adorably befuddled way of hers, she explains that she had a tickle in her throat. Oh, that irrepressible Ally! That unsinkable Ally McBeal! Joel looks at her and rolls his eyes, right after I roll mine. Ally rolls hers and sighs.
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Reesa has made it to the altar. Ling's hat is in Richard's face. Joel looks at Ally and winks. Ally's mouth is transformed, through the magic of 3D Studio, into the mouth of a snarling dog. Her teeth look pretty white all of a sudden, too.
We're treated to a musical montage ("Walking on the Sun") in which Renee and the Whipper act like each almost-attractive job candidate is a Chippendale's dancer. Renee is wearing a red off-the-shoulder peasant blouse. Whipper's in a fuzzy pink turtleneck. Well, okay...some of the guys are cute. For a little hilarity hijinx, we get a shot of an overweight gentleman, from the nipples up to the numbly horrified look on his face. The Whipper waves bye-bye to him. This is the part where we ladies are supposed to hoot, "Woo! That David E. Kelley sure knows what women want! YOU SHOW 'EM, GIRLFRIEND!" and then we're supposed to be overcome by emotion and start kissing each other in a sudden, temporary, lipstick-lesbian-ish frenzy. Woo! David E. Kelley must be from Venus, too!
While Joel states his vows, Ally experiences a COMPLETELY unnecessary flashback to their car wash copulation. Then we get a couple of super-close close-ups of Ally's eye and the minister's and Joel's mouths. Then I yell, "Okay, we get it! Joel's vows are a sham! WE GET IT ALREADY!" When the minister asks if anyone objects to this marriage, we get an echo, a telltale heartbeat, a spooky violin, and a million reaction shots of everyone in the whole church. You KNOW who raises her hand and bellows "NO-O-O-O!" right? Of course it's Ally. The congregation gasps. Ling says, "Oh. My. God!" with an extra twist on the "God" part so it's not exACTLY like the way they always say it on Friends. After a bunch of blah-blahing, the minister asks her to whisper her reason to him. She leans towards him and says, "A week ago..." Everyone in the church leans forward to hear, their pews creaking. Ally leans closer and "...I had sex with the groom last week" is picked up by the minister's mike and boomed all over the church. D'oh! Everyone trips out. I cackle like an old hen. Reesa's mad, the minister's freaked, and Joel stands there like Robert Urich's wooden dummy. Ally tries to stammer out an excuse. Ling tells Richard that this is the best wedding she's ever been to. The minister tells everyone to stay seated while they take a short break.