Episode Report Card Alex Richmond: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Kiss This Show Goodbye: All Sweetness And No Sorrow
By Alex Richmond | Season 5 | Episode 19 | Aired on 05.05.2002
A TV has King of the Hill on. Yay! I love that show. Then the camera pulls out, and aww, we're in Ally's living room. Maddie's watching Bobby Hill with a thermometer in her mouth. Millions of crumpled-up tissues and various bottles of things surround her, and Ally tells Elaine that since her fake kid has a temp of 102, she's going to stay home with her. Fine! Elaine asks if Ally's okay with the whole breaking-up-with-JBJ thing, really, she cares, and can Elaine take off for an audition of A Chorus Line? While, God, she hopes she gets it, she hopes she gets it, she'll "never get it, of course." Ally allows Elaine to go to the audition. Elaine thanks her. Aaand...scene.
Liza smacks her giant forehead when she learns that the reason Fish Sr. gave for canning his secretary was that he was in love with her. Fish Sr. fingers Liza's non-existent wattle, then relays to his son that "this little thing is nasty hot!" Liza smacks Fish Sr.'s hand away. Fish Sr. says he had to fire her -- he "didn't want to do anything [he] might regret." The ex-secretary wants $300,000. And Richard's mother can't find out. Liza asks for a moment alone, just her and "Fishy." Fish Sr. likes that. Richard says, "Bygones."
Nelle strolls through the office. She makes a nasty comment to New Guy Wilson, who's wearing a phone headset: "Is that thing permanently attached to your head?" He answers that "there's nothing artificial attached to her head." Wilson? New guy? Shut up. Nelle hears some music coming from Ally's office and, with a sneer on her face, heads over to investigate.
Inside, Elaine dances wildly to "Teach Me How to Shimmy." Wow, more references to A Chorus Line. More are coming. What, did DEK buy the rights to the show, or is he just tossing some money their way? How about some references to movies, while we're at it? Perhaps that one about the man who gets bit by the radioactive spider? Just kidding. Nelle bursts in and asks what Elaine is doing. She's dancing. Nelle doesn't even know what A Chorus Line is, and nastily asks when Elaine "is going to give up this nonsense." In about three episodes, I'd say. Elaine says that she's "already cleared this with Ally -- who is a partner, by the way." Which Nelle is not. Elaine turns the boombox back up and starts to dance. In Nelle's face. Or should I say, "totally" in Nelle's face. Go Elaine. Shimmy that bitch away.
Richard's office. He founders and blubbers that his dad's case hasn't got a chance -- and that a jury could award the fired secretary more than $300 grand. Liza says that jurors are "people," and that Richard is missing the point. She asks that he look into her huge eyes. May I take a moment here to say those Gap ads with Christina Ricci and Dennis "Making a Great Comeback with 24" Hopper freak me out? She looks even teenier than she does on this show. And in a white shirt and khakis, no less! And it's a little too Roman Polanski, them hanging out playing chess all nonchalantly together. Too aloof to smile or look at each other. Poseurs. It's like a whitewashed rap video, with no bass, action, color, or fun. ["Well, that's the Coen brothers for you." -- Wing Chun] Christina Ricci's head looks so big. She's got a fivehead. The only way that ad could redeem itself were if they were playing five-level Vulcan chess, like on original Star Trek. Then it would be funny. P.S. It's Glark's birthday. Anyway, Liza asks that Richard look into her large, lovely eyes, and reminds him that jurors follow their hearts more than they follow the law, sometimes. Why did God give her such big eyes, anyway? Her eyes, she tells Richard, are windows. Can he see the two of them in there? No, he says, but if she reaches into his "bulkhead," she can feel it. For those at home not into unfunny, unsubtle metaphor, he's talking about his penis. That's P-E-N-I-S. Hard cock. Liza giggles: "That was vulgar!" But the jury will look into her windows and see her heart believes Richard's dad was right to can the secretary he loved. Then she coos that Richard, inches from her, looks "so cute" and "like an ittle-wittle boy." A wubba-woo! A wubba-wubba-woo! "So hard to say no to!" So, she licks his thumb, and sticks it his mouth for him. As she exits, he removes his thumb, sniffs it, then pops it back in for another suck.