Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Taylor Doose Will Have His Revenge
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 21 | Aired on 03.14.2011
(Coffee joint for teen lesbians.)
Paige: "Emily, what stuff did you tell her?"
Emily: "All of it. All the stuff. You are not that complicated, or that interesting, that it didn't take a fairly short amount of time."
Samara, out of nowhere: "Hey, imagine running into you guys here!"
Paige: "I realize that you are trying to be totally nice and I literally requested your presence, but I don't appreciate your attempts at support or kindness, no matter how hands-off and sensitive you're trying to be."
Samara: (Like a duck's back. She's like Emily part two.)
Emily: "I'm out. They don't pay me to be part of bitching."
Paige: "Where are you going!?"
Emily: "You were totally mean to Samara for no reason, and um you tried to drown me one time before, and plus I'm suddenly carrying your sex shame and being your secret and everything that this season has been about not doing. It Gets Better."
Samara: "This is just what I was saying about lesbian drama, before. I dump girls like this, and then date normal non-drama girls like you and me, and they can go fuck themselves. Which they were going to do anyway."
Emily: "Yeah, gimme a minute. Without a mentally ill rabbit to constantly pet and rub and love and stroke and kiss and hold and nurture I don't know that I have a lot to offer."
Samara, generally: "Oh my GOD it is not this complicated."
(Word, girl.)
(Whatever booth Hanna and Mona are working.)
Mona: "Did you really expect me to help-help, Prom Queen? I'm here to verbatim make sure you don't host a pity party for yourself and invite a cheesecake."
Hanna: (Sweetly smiles because that's actually a funny line and nobody's gonna get anywhere by treating eating disorders any other way than what they are, which is a fabulous way to fuck yourself over like an idiot.)
Mona: "Here comes Sketchy the Wolf. You duck over there so I can absorb the total heat of his sexy apology energy, promise to give you a letter, open that letter immediately -- the actually shitty part -- and then tear it into pieces and pour a slushie all over it like Rachel Berry's cute little crazypants face."
Hanna: (Nonetheless surprised that Caleb came all the way over there and yet did not apologize wonderfully like anybody would.)
The Letter: (All I know is, it said I LOVE YOU HANNA, and I got a little teary.)
(Jesus Camp.)
Ian: "Spencer I swear to God I am going to murder you."
Spencer: "Kiss my ass. This train to Crazytown is an express line, there are zero stops."
Ian: "No but for real, you are going to be murdered. By me."
Spencer: "Every time you say that, I grow another head."
Aria and Ezra: (Forever with this bullshit.)
Ashley shows up to ask what's up with Caleb, presumably he brought his wonderful letter because he is wonderful, and Hanna asks the same questions, which is: Why, given Ashley's whole deal, is she batting for him now?
Ashley: "First because he's leaving town, so it's no skin off my ass. Secondly, because you were totally right the entire time: He is a much better person than I am."
Hanna: "That is a push."
(Actually they are both pretty awesome.)
Emily has a flashback to this time Alison came over right after Hilton Head, I think literally between all the other things and the big night death, to drop off a snowglobe -- containing, duh, the "key" that suddenly exists in this episode -- at her house, because they were secretly lesbians in love who just happened to be neither. Verbatim, just in case it matters: "I brought you a present back from my trip, but you have to keep it a secret. I didn't bring anything back for the other girls, so if they ask about it, you have to lie. It's vintage, my grandma gave it to me. I wanted you to have it. You're the only one that really understands me, Em. The only one that I can completely be honest with. I have to go, I have a prior engagement. Don't have any fun without me. Make sure you keep that in a safe place. It's a lot more valuable than it looks."