Episode Report Card Keckler: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Carpenter Street
By Keckler | Season 3 | Episode 11 | Aired on 11.25.2003
Enterprise. Quantum's prowling around in the kitchen looking for a midnight snack. I love midnight snacks. I like afternoon and evening snacks too. He pulls what looks like a platter of deli-sliced, honey-smoked turkey breast out of one bin and a plate of government yellow cheese out of the other. Porthos yips. Aw! Stop giving the pooch cheese, you idiot. Doesn't he carry Scooby Snacks around? Okay, I admit that when the Evil Dr. Mathra's not looking, I feed Hunca Munca and Poppadum scraps from the table, but it's usually meat stuff, not dairy products that make big painful messes in their digestive tracts. Quantum says, "Cheese?" and tosses two pieces to Porthos. He turns around, saying, "This is your last piece," when what to his wondering eye should appear? But Daniels in full time-traveler gear! Daniels rubs Porthos and asks "Jonathan" how he's been. Quantum doesn't flinch and says, "'Bout time you showed up." Quantum supposes Daniels already knows how much their mission has changed since he last saw him on the corner of Apocalypse and Second Coming. Daniels professes not to know any more about the Xindi and their Weapon of Crass Destruction than Quantum does. Quantum angrily challenges this, saying Daniels and his ilk are supposed to be babysitting the timeline: "Hasn't all this happened already?" "History doesn't mention anything about a conflict between humans and Xindi," Daniels says. Quantum doesn't know how that can be. "The events that are taking place are the results of temporal incursions -- they are not supposed to be happening," Daniels doesn't explain. "But they are happening!" Quantum thunders the obvious. "Yes, they are," Daniels agrees, "but the outcome hasn't reached us yet. It takes awhile for changes to ripple through the timeline." Say what? Is the outcome caught in a temporal traffic jam? No, wait, it's fogged in at The Impossible and Invented for Stupid Purposes Airport, and its cell phone is experiencing outages due to scientifically groundless roaming charges. In fact, if you call the outcome's office to demand that he speed up the work, all you'll get is a voice message saying, "I'm out of the office right now but don't worry, the outcome is in the mail." Sheesh -- that is the ONE thing that bugged me in this episode. Also, Quantum mentions that Daniels is supposed to know things in his "thirtieth century," when actually Daniels is from the "thirty-first" century. Writers? Is it really SO much to ask that you check your previous scripts, or at least watch the episodes? Wait, that really is too much to ask. Sorry. Basically, Daniels knows a whole lot of nothing. He doesn't even know if this is the crucial role in History's Sandbox that Quantum is supposed to play in. Anyway, Daniels tells Quantum and his J. Crew shirt that he has to go back in time to Earth to stop the Xindi from doing whatever it is that they're doing in Detroit, Michigan. Daniels still leaves me with feelings of creepiness -- I don't trust him.
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the Vulcan sleeps too-niiight. Quantum wakes up the Vulcan to tell her to put all her time-travel doubts aside, because they're going on National Lampoon's Temporal Vacation. While all this is going on, Porthos scampers in and settles down on T'Pol's yoga mat. Man, just like my cats! Every time I pull out my purple Tapas mat to commune with my inner breath and pull my navel back to my spine, Poppadum comes over and gets in the way. I bend down to wide-leg downward dog and I get a mouthful of orange purring fur. It's like I'm more attractive to them when I'm rolling around on the floor. How can I relax my body without collapsing my body with a soft plushy thing butting her head into my hands to earth? T'Pol questions why Daniels can't do this all himself, and Quantum explains, "It took him a long while to get permission to interact with me. There are clearances. He said it would take too much time." "I would think he would have all the time in the world," T'Pol comments, which gets a big laugh out of me, because she's right, you know. Quantum says that the Xindi traveled from their time period to one hundred fifty years ago, and they've been there for two months: "They're not sightseeing, T'Pol." That's too bad, because if Snake Eyes had the time, they really should visit Rock 'n' Bowl on Woodward. It's a rockin' good time with free beer and pizza if they're accompanied by sorority girls. Quantum pleads a bit, and T'Pol finally nods her assent. "Check the database, find something to wear that won't stand out in 2004," is Quantum's parting order. Let's analyze that: the database is for looking things up. Can it also manufacture things? I wouldn't think so. Maybe the protein resequencer is used to make any duds they need in the same way it makes pewp boots? And hey, if anyone gets married on the ship, they can have a Vera Wang pewp-off!