Episode Report Card Gustave: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Simon, Portrait of a Teenage Prostitute
By Gustave | Season 7 | Episode 2 | Aired on 09.22.2002
Meanwhile, outside of the CamPound, Mary furtively gets into her car and tries to slip away without -- say it with me now -- speaking to Dad about Captain Smith. But RevCam is just too slick for Mary. He's right there with his morning coffee. "Best coffee I've had all week," he informs her as he lets himself into the Marymobile. "Because I'm having it with you." RevCam brings up the fact that Mary's been avoiding him for a whole week. Mary explains that she didn't appreciate RevCam telling Ben about Captain Smith. "You mean maybe I shouldn't have told Ben that you're dating someone twenty years older than yourself to get back at Ben when he's done absolutely nothing?" I love how, according to RevCam, no one just gets bored sexually with one guy and decides to get it on with someone else. There always has to be revenge involved. Oh, wait. RevCam is right, because Mary confirms this by pointing out that Ben is getting back together with his ex-girlfriend. "He's just talking to her," explains RevCam. Mary insists that she no longer cares for Ben and that RevCam should trust her. She also tries to use the RevCam's initial distaste for Robbie as an example of how RevCam often judges her boyfriends too harshly. "And now he lives in your house and you treat him like your son!" says Mary. "Well, that could be a problem with this new guy," says RevCam. "You see, technically, he's too old to be my son." Mary is all, "If the man I date makes you feel uncomfortable, I will stay somewhere else." RevCam explains that he can't help but say something if his daughter is dating a guy RevCam's own age. Mary is all, "Don't make me choose between my family and Jack!" RevCam is all, "You'd consider leaving your family to be with this cradle-robbing lowlife sky jockey who's got a daughter your age?" Mary shoves RevCam out of her car and races off. "I hope that every time you even think of kissing him you think about kissing your father," yells RevCam, loudly enough for the neighbors to hear him. Wow, that was funny. Except it wasn't.
Back in the CamKitchen, Annie could not look more uncomfortable with the twins. Seriously, she looks like she found them abandoned in a shopping mall and is waiting for their real mom to swing by and pick them up. "What would you like for breakfast today?" asks Annie desperately. "Cookies!" says the one on the left. (I don't normally recap this show, so don't even ask me to remember their names. ["Sam and David, but honestly, even the Camdens can't tell them apart, or can't be bothered to, so don't worry about it." -- Sars]) "Ice kweam!" says the one on the right. "How 'bout oatmeal?" suggests Annie. Uh, if it's gonna be oatmeal anyway, why'd you bother asking? This reminds me of that Sandra Bernhard routine where she talks about coming home from lunch every day when she was a little girl and pretending to "order" lunch from her mother like she was a waitress in a roadside café. "Oatmeal really does make you very big, strong and healthy," says Annie, like she's appearing in an infomercial for oatmeal and she just plucked these kids out of the studio audience. But the twins aren't buying. Probably because the aliens that inhabit their bodies read somewhere that kids love sweets, and if they obediently ate their oatmeal, it would send up a red flag. Fortunately, RevCam enters to save us from anymore domestic "comedy." He tries to lie about his reasons for being outside -- he claims to have been putting the trash out -- but Annie knows it's not trash day, so the truth comes out. "You weren't trying to catch up with Mary again, were you?" asks Annie. D'oh! RevCam reminds Annie that their eldest daughter is marrying a man old enough to be her father and that they need to step in. Annie argues that meddling will only push Mary into getting serious with Captain Smith. RevCam tries to pretend that he may have gotten through to Mary when they talked. Annie sees right through this. The twins back her up. Jesus, when did Annie become such a hag?