Episode Report Card Keckler: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Starfleet and Coffee, Maple Syrup and Damn
By Keckler | Season 2 | Episode 26 | Aired on 05.20.2003
Starfleet HQ. At night. From an angle we haven't seen yet. Quantum tries to convince a skeptical Forrest and a meditating Soval (seriously, his eyes are closed throughout much of the conversation -- what the hell else was he doing?) about the veracity of his meeting with Shower Guy. Soval trots out the Vulcan Science Directorate's feelings about time travel. I think Forrest is skeptical because he's trying to cover up the fact that he's actually Shower Guy. Seriously, no one can be that boring and not be something evil. Quantum pleads, "Are you willing to risk a second attack? All I'm asking is to take Enterprise and find these Xindi. What do we have to lose? A single starship?" "Their only warp five starship," Mr. byobkenobi points out calmly. Quantum thinks it's a small price to pay, and Soval (still with his eyes closed) asks if Quantum even knows where the coordinates Shower Guy gave him are. All Quantum knows is that it's a three-month trip. "They're inside the Delphic Expanse," Soval says, "a region of space nearly two thousand light-years across. Vulcan ships have entered in, but only a few have returned." "Sounds like you're talking about the Bermuda Triangle," Quantum snots. No, honey, the Bermuda Triangle is that space between your ears -- this is much scarier.
Soval finally opens his eyes and turns around: "There have been reports of fierce and dangerous species, unexplained anomalies. In some regions even the laws of physics don't apply." So it's a bad sci-fi movie -- what's the big? "Twenty years ago a Klingon vessel emerged from the Expanse. Every crewman on board had been anatomically inverted, their bodies splayed open, and they were still alive." But dying of embarrassment. I'm trying to think how that would even work -- does that mean I would be able to see the back of my head and finally get that cowlicky thing to lie flat? Soval thinks Quantum would be smart to avoid the Expanse. But as we all know, Quantum is not smart, so he says that it is a risk he and many of his crew are willing to take. Soval argues some more about Quantum having no proof of what Shower Guy was talking about. I really have to agree with the pointy-eared guy on this one. Even if he can trot out proof that the probe is from the future, nothing else Shower Guy was telling Quantum about the Weapon Of Mass Destruction, or even of the location of the Xindi, can be proved. Shower Guy could even been lying about what species launched this attack on Earth in order to get Quantum all het up so he'll go after the innocent Xindi and massacre them, thus taking them out of Shower Guy's way and earning humans the reputation for being mass murderers. Admiral Forrest adds that, as they've already lost so many people, Starfleet Command would need some sort of proof before they'd allow Quantum to fly off half-cocked. "I'm not sure if the person I spoke to was from the future or not," Quantum pouts, "but he knew this is the reaction I would get." And that proves what? That he knows something about human nature? I predicted that would be the reaction he would get from the Ambassador and Admiral Doubting Thomas. Wait, does that mean I'm from the future? Hold on -- I think I'm Shower Guy! Kudos to Bermaga, because that's a twist I didn't see coming. Although you'd think I would have, considering who I am. Quantum says that Shower Guy -- I mean, "Keckler" -- gave him proof.
Leading them into the hangar set from "First Flight," Quantum wanders around the wreckage of the pod and scans it. "This is quantum-dating the debris." Yes, he certainly is. Wait, is that a shout-out? Maybe a teeny tiny one. He babbles about how old some of the individual pieces are. "Your point, Jonathan?" Forrest prompts him. "I'm getting to it!" Quantum shouts. "Not fast enough!" I yell, just as byobkenobi yells, "Well, hurry up!" But despite our impatience, he still takes awhile. Because of the "drama." He pulls a piece out and tells Forrest he might find the scan interesting. "Your scanner's not working properly," Forrest says. "Why is that, sir?" Quantum asks innocently. "The quantum date reads minus four-twenty," Forrest says. "What's wrong with that?" Quantum prompts like a kindergarten teacher. "Quantum dating always registers in positive numbers," Forrest says obediently. Quantum pulls out another scanner and takes a reading of the piece. "Then I guess this one's not working, either," he ironics. Soval storms over and yanks the scanner away. He looks at it and sighs. "You said he told you this faction from the future could only communicate through time, so how do you suggest they got this component to the Xindi?" Soval asks. Quantum admits to not having a clue, but it doesn't change the fact that the fragment is from the future. Forrest says he'll speak to Starfleet Command about their findings. Soval fumes silently, but in a totally logical way. Quantum walks over to a cryo-bed and asks to see inside. Forrest unlocks it and slides the drawer open. No, it's not Walt Disney, who I know wasn't cryogenically frozen, since my grandfather was actually present at the man's funeral to read his eulogy. All we can see is a burned and smoky corpse. Quantum scans it. "Are you suggesting this is a Xindi?" Soval asks. "I sure as hell'd like to find out," Quantum frowns.