Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT This Show Blows, And I Want To Die
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.05.2003
Manor. Piper giggles her way into the parlor from the kitchen, where the rawkin' Pat Benatar is busy rearranging her schedule so that she and Neil can party at P3 that weekend. Inspired by this bit of good luck, Raige asks for a hit off of Jimmy The Runt's trouser nugget. He complies, and she immediately orbs away with Piper. Jimmy next smacks up the Feebs with some of his trouser mojo. The doorbell immediately rings, Phoebe rises to answer, and once again I'm staring at her crotch. The Pants actually lace up right over The Cooter. It's vile. Pardon me while I turn up the sound and avert my eyes from the screen. From what I can hear, Chronic's arrived for their previously scheduled six o'clock outing. Phoebe tries to worm her way out of her commitment, but Jimmy The Runt pushes her out the door. Something about taking risks that allow the trouser mojo to bloom. I don't know. Leave me alone. I'm teetering on the edge of insanity, here. With The Cooter safely out of the house, Jimmy engages in a tête-à-tête with Rawkin' Pat and the peroxide victim her once-hot husband has become. From the banter that follows, we're meant to believe that Pat Benatar owes her entire career to Jimmy's magical trouser nuggets. They should have rewritten this scene after Kelly Osbourne dropped out of the episode.
Casino montage. Long story short, Raige orbed Piper to Reno to shoot craps, and they're on a tear, quickly amassing more than a hundred thousand dollars' worth of chips. Raige bets it all on one last roll, which, of course, comes up snake eyes. Raige is pissed, but Piper realizes that the point of this gambling exercise was to receive this snake eyes message from the dice. She now knows how to find Big Bad Greg and his reptilian contact lenses. Scene.
Meanwhile, back in San Francisco, Chronic and The Cooter arrive at a low-key nightclub, where the online dating company Chronic founded holds weekly get-togethers for its members. The Cooter is shocked and appalled to learn the couples currently canoodling on the various banquettes met through the Internet. Chronic speechifies about taking risks, then orders The Cooter "to get started on [its] rewrite." The Cooter is smitten, and grooms itself at the bar. Scene.
Manor. Up in the attic, Piper dumps a pair of actual snake eyes into a bubbling potion, then dips her scrying crystal into the mix. She hopes the actual snake eyes will point them in Big Bad Greg's direction. They do, but not before the audience endures a bickering argument between Jimmy and The Cooter about taking risks. Consider yourself fortunate -- nay, lucky -- to have missed it. And...scene.
Lair Of The Moltisanti. The gals plus Jimmy orb onto a stone platform and glance about nervously. Big Bad Greg strides on over with a crock of trouser nuggets, which he unleashes upon the Glamorous Ladies after chanting the curse, "[Incorrectly Captioned] ort!" I have no idea what he said, but I'd like to take this opportunity to curse Brad Kern with the following: Imeacht gan teacht ort, titim gan éirí ort, go n-ithe an cat thú, is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat. Fucker.