Episode Report Card M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Terrorist Leader: 2. Bloated Government Bureaucracy: 1.
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 15 | Aired on 03.27.2005
9:51:22. As much as I bitched about last week's final act, at least it was shorter. CTU people are CTUing, ImhoTerror paces, a sniper takes up position on a rooftop, and TerrorTeen is on the road. Kiefer is back in the black TerrorVan, which is also traveling down the road and fully manned by what my closed captioning describes as "men speaking native language." Indeed, a conversation in "Squiggly" goes on for about twenty-five seconds while Kiefer tries to make sense of it. Or possibly understands every word. It's kind of odd.
But it's still more interesting than what's going on in the CTUmobile, where TerrorTeen is asking Curtis, "Who's going to protect me?" Curtis reminds him of the tracking devices on TerrorTeen's person. TerrorTeen says ImhoTerror will find the trackers, but Curtis hopes it won't come to that -- meaning that CTU has the area surrounded to protect TerrorTeen. "Why would you protect me? I'm nothing to you people. You think I'm a terrorist." Hey, if the shoe fits. Curtis, displaying symptoms of some kind of weird reverse Stockholm syndrome, says, "I don't believe you are." TerrorTeen wants to know why they just don't grab ImhoTerror at the exchange, so Curtis says that ImhoTerror probably won't be there: "We need you to lead us to him." "Oh, God," TerrorTeen gargles in panic. At this point, if I were Curtis, I'd call ImhoTerror and say that in light of the favor he's doing CTU by taking TerrorTeen off their hands, he can just hold on to Kiefer as long as he wants.
ImhoTerror's sniper picks up a cell phone and reports in with word that the CTUmobile seems to be approaching. At the ImHideout, ImhoTerror tells him to wait for the order to take out Kiefer after the exchange. After he hangs up, his minion asks, "Once the trade is made, how long do we need to keep CTU distracted?" ImhoTerror says, "Ideally, until we hit the target. In any event, as long as possible." The IT minion wants to know what ImhoTerror wants done with TerrorTeen once he arrives. "The writers haven't decided yet," ImhoTerror says thoughtfully, pronouncing it with a silent "the wrters."
At 9:53:16, the rooftop sniper flattens himself out as the CTUmobile carrying TerrorTeen pulls up to the closed gate. Curtis gets out, followed by a frightened TerrorTeen. The sniper reports this to ImhoTerror. "Good," ImhoTerror says over the phone. "Send in the van."
Curtis guides an increasingly frantic TerrorTeen to the chain-link gate, assuring him, "[ImhoTerror]'s not going through all this just so he can kill you." ["He is if he's ever met the kid before. Shut up, TerrorTeen." -- Sars] They watch as a black van pulls into view at the far end of the dam. "The van's here," Curtis tells the earpieces at CTU. A battered-looking Kiefer is hauled out, and Curtis reports this as well. Back at CTU, a brief debate between Soul Patch, Bitchelle, and Buchanan follows regarding whether to try to converge on the TerrorVan now. Buchanan nixes it, and Bitchelle has Curtis to send TerrorTeen on his way. The terror goons do the same with Kiefer. Kiefer and TerrorTeen walk slowly towards each other, Kiefer with a distinct limp which I'm sure will be gone by next week. As they cross, TerrorTeen asks where TerrorMom is. "I don't know," is Kiefer's answer, which may or may not be true, depending on when he lost consciousness. "I don't wanna die," TerrorTeen non sequiturs. They both continue on their way, and the goons grab TerrorTeen. The sniper reports this to ImhoTerror, and that "I've got Kiefer in my sights." "Take him out," ImhoTerror says. The sniper takes the time to hang up before lining up his shot. TerrorTeen is forced into the TerrorVan. The sniper aims. When Kiefer is yards from Curtis at the open gate, a shot rings out. Guess who goes down? Keep in mind everything you know about this show before you say anything. I'll give you a second. Are you ready? Here's who dies: the sniper. Can you even believe it? Pandemonium erupts as CTU sharpshooters emerge from the woodwork, dragging Kiefer safely through the gate. The TerrorVan peels out. "Why'd you give them the kid?" bellows Kiefer the ingrate. ["See above re: having met the kid. Try to keep up, Kief." -- Sars] Curtis quickly tells him about the trackers on TerrorTeen, bundles him into the back of the CTUmobile, and dispatches agents to try to follow the TerrorVan. It's 9:56:12.
Kiefer's already gotten another cell phone, which he uses to call Soul Patch. It's now that he explains what he was doing with the wires. They're phone lines that he was short-circuiting. Okay, I've messed with a lot of bare phone wires in my time, and I've never felt a jolt from one, let alone seen a spark. They just don't carry that much juice. But I guess Kiefer does. He tells Soul Patch to have the phone company run a technobabble search for what he did that'll give away the location of the ImHideout. Soul Patch is on it. Kiefer says they don't have a lot of time: "ImhoTerror was at the building when they moved me but he's not going to stay there for long." Don't know how he knows that. It'll take hours to pack up the IT minion's computer system alone. Soul Patch will get tactical teams ready. "I know the layout," says Kiefer, "I'll run point." Of course he will. We can assume his self-inflicted stab wound will have healed by then.