Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT That Plot Hole Episode
By Demian | Season 1 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.06.1999
"Whoa!" Piper spits as the camera cuts over to the shocked Ps for a round of reactions. There's a tight shot of Phoebe and Prue gaping a bit in disbelief. While Alyssa Milano and Shannen Doherty look nothing like sisters, they're simply radiant in this scene. Yes, you heard me correctly: Alyssa Milano and Shannen Doherty are gorgeous. What the hell happened to these poor women during the run of the show? Anyway, Prue's stunned to realize that they had powers back in the day. Phoebe opts for the simple yet evocative "Freaky" to describe this latest development. The adult Ps sidle onto the sun porch, and Prue kneels to grin at her wee counterpart. Wee Prue stretches out her index finger to touch the mole beneath Prue's right eye. Prue giggles and says, "You've got one, too," before wrapping Wee Prue in a hug. It's sweet moment, except for, you know, the goddamned child actress and everything. Grams sweeps into the room from the kitchen, takes in the scene, drops the plate she'd been drying to the floor, and glares as only Grams can. She flings out some Hands Of Discontent that make Piper's crawl under a rock in shame, and growls, "Warlocks, begone!" The adult Ps cringe defensively and Jesus tap-dancing Christ, that's a crappy blue-screen effect. Alyssa Milano, Shannen Doherty, and Holly Marie Combs, clearly perched on a set of appropriately-painted stools, lean back and flail their arms around while the camera tilts from side to side. Some hack has then taken this footage and superimposed it over a rapid tracking shot that takes us through the parlor and out the front door. I've lost count of how many lousy effects I've seen during the run of this series, but if this one isn't the very worst, it's easily among the worst three. Grams glowers magnificently while the two inept child actresses smile at their off-screen wrangler.
The thwarted Ps scramble down the front steps and across the street, processing as they go. Neither Piper nor Prue recalls having powers at that age, but all three agree that "Grams is one scary witch." Phoebe snatches up a neighbor's newspaper, checks the date, and gasps. "Mom is barely pregnant with me!" Piper and Prue crowd around for a look at the masthead and discover they've hurtled backwards through time to March 24, 1975. Heh. I seem to recall that right around then, my Prue-aged younger sister dented my skull with a Tonka truck. To be fair, I did whack her repeatedly in the head with a broomstick, but that was only after she'd sunk her teeth into my forearm in a valiant attempt at unsanctioned amputation. Maybe I shouldn't have shoved her off the kitchen table. I wonder why our parents didn't abandon us on some rain-swept hillside to die. Though perhaps if Wee Prue had TKed the tiny sofa into Wee Piper's tiny head, I'd have found that last scene bearable. Anyway, Piper checks the date and realizes that they've arrived on the same day Patty blessed Nicky The Nasty Nazi's ring. The gals must prevent their mother from entering into a pact with Nicholas if they are to return to their proper place in time. As Patty's now on the lookout for three female warlocks, Prue proposes that two of them approach their mother and prove their identities through a subtle display of powers. Phoebe immediately agrees and suggests she be the one to hang back, as telekinesis and molecular manipulation make for better calling cards than premonitions. She'll stand guard outside in the likely event that Nicholas appears. "That doesn't seem fair," Piper says. "Not being able to see Mom." "I know it's not," Phoebe stammers, fluttering her hands dismissively. "But I got over that a long time ago. I don't need to see her now." Piper and Prue raise uncertain brows, silently wondering if Phoebe understands the opportunity she's denying herself. With a grin and a self-deprecating snicker, Phoebe insists that she's fine. She notes that time's a-wasting, so they'd better head to their mother's restaurant before Patty's shift ends. Piper and Prue hesitate for a moment, then nod their heads. And there you have it, folks, in two simple scenes. Proof that once upon a time, Phoebe Halliwell was not the selfish, self-serving, self-aggrandizing, hideously coiffed, malnourished, bony-ass hag she'd become by the fourth season. Oh, Season One Phoebe! Why have you abandoned us?