Episode Report Card Sobell: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT He Sees Dead People
By Sobell | Season 4 | Episode 15 | Aired on 12.15.2008
Leaving the Black Lodge for a moment, let's see what Gretchen and Self are up to. They're visiting a bodega, where they buy a few mobile phones, and Gretchen decides to find out how dumb Don really is. Answer: if dumb were a national resource, Don would be a one-man OPEC, he's sitting on that much raw reserve. Don shrugs that so far as he's concerned, knowledge or information isn't power; money is, so he couldn't give a rip over what's on Scylla -- just what it goes for.
Linc and Sucre are still trying to run down Gretchen and Self, and he can use the One World Conspiracy to help him out. The secretary at the front office calls Linc to tell him of Gretchen and Self's recent visit to a convenience store. Yippee for the all-reaching tentacles of evil!
Back on Prison Broke for the Holidays... The lights dim, then come up on Whistler playing a baby grand. Gretchen is draped over the lid of the piano, clad in a slinky red number with white fur at the neckline. She begins singing:
GRETCHEN:
Santa, baby
Put an Uzi under the tree, for me
Been a mercenary
Santa, baby
You're next if you want to live tonight.
Whistler gives her a look and mimes shooting himself in the head as Gretchen prepares to go into her second verse. She mouths, "That can be arranged," and resumes:
GRETCHEN:
Think of all the sordid thrills
All the people I've ordered killed
Next year could be lethal, too
If you fail to deliver.
Listen, fatso
I'm holding the reindeer and the elves, themselves
One an hour, I'll shoot
Santa, baby
Hurry down the chimney tonight.
The number degenerates as Whistler and Gretchen begin hotly debating if that's really the best way to get Saint Nick to fulfill the One World Conspiracy's holiday wishlist, and the lights go off abruptly.
Linc and Sucre are inside a nearby convenience store, and Linc has remembered how Gretchen and Self left the pieces of their mobile phones behind. Linc tries asking the counter clerk nicely if anyone's bought a burner recently, but when the clerk goes closed-lipped, Lincoln has to get a little smashy with him. This produces a receipt, which can then be tied to things like credit card numbers or other useful data.
Gretchen and Self pull up to the deserted Team Scylla HQ, and Gretchen handily exposits that the buyer's a mysterious figure: "Whoever gets the information on Scylla will go out of their way to stay below the [One World Conspiracy] radar. Besides, would you screw some guy's wife, then leave your card on his pillow?" Knowing Don Self and his lethal lack of couth, I wouldn't put it past him. Oh, wait -- Don basically accuses Gretchen of doing so, and smirks about how Gretchen wanted General Von Baldy to know she was involved -- "Come on. He punished you, he treated you like crap, just like your real daddy. You wanted at least one of them to pay for it, right?" Gretchen deadpans, "Gee, Don, you just cracked my whole Electra complex wide open. Kudos. But you're not the only one who did their homework, just so you know." Don Self is like, "Would you care to exposit for those of us following along at home?" and Gretchen's like, "Not until such point as it becomes relevant in a future plotline. Suck it, viewers! You'll take the shady allegations of deep, dark secrets and you'll like it!"