Episode Report Card Gustave: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Monkey lov-ah!
By Gustave | Season 7 | Episode 3 | Aired on 09.29.2002
High School. Simon catches up to BritneyClone and asks her what's the latest about Claire Cleavage, the girl from last week who is rumored to be pregnant and claiming that Simon is the father since she used his dating service. Simon, in a burst of rationality, points out that even if he did do it with Claire Cleavage, he couldn't have gotten her pregnant that fast. BC exposits that everyone thinks Simon did the nasty with Claire last year in order to counter the "Virgin Camden" taunts. So let's review today's lesson, shall we? Don't go on dates with girls for money, because they will pay you to go on these dates and falsely claim that you had sex with them one year before the paid date ever happened, and you will be stuck caring for a bastard child for the rest of your life and your parents will ground you. Got it? Good. "Claire doesn't look like she's having a baby to me!" says Simon. According to BritneyClone, Claire Cleavage is probably pregnant because a) she has cleavage all of a sudden -- thus the nickname -- and b) she is wearing big clothes, presumably to hide some extra girth. "If she shows up on my front door claiming that I'm the father of her child after everything that has happened," says Simon, "my life will be over!" He vows to confront her.
Kevin and Ben enter Lucy's room in order to look for the hat. Yeah, I'm going to be typing a lot of sentences like that for the next few pages, because the hat plot is just not going to die. They discuss the fact that it's impossible that the twins took it, because they didn't have time to stash it. Ben wants to snoop in Lucy and Mary's room in the hopes that he can find "Mary's address or something." Kevin looks at him dubiously. "We've got to save the church!" says Ben. "Plus you're the one who told me not to give up so easily." He finally hits paydirt when he finds Lucy's diary and starts reading it. Oh yeah, like Lucy's diary is going to have any information on anyone else besides herself. Kevin tells him to put it down. Ben ignores him and starts reading. Kevin doesn't want anything to do with this, so he leaves. Ben continues reading. Jeez, you'd think Kevin would physically rip his girlfriend's diary out of his brother's hands, grab him by the balls, and drag him out of the room, but no.
At Walter Reed Junior High, Ruthie is walking down the hall and passes a multi-ethnic group of catty girls. "Look. There goes monkey lover!" says their ringleader, a bi-racial pre-teen styled to resemble Alicia Keys and wearing a purple polo shirtdress. The other girls don't even get to titter, because god forbid someone should call the union and have to pay them. "Hey monkey lover! Where's your monkey?" Cruel Girl calls out again. Ruthie whirls around. "Did you just call me a monkey lover?" she asks. Uh, when I was in junior high, I wouldn't have had time to go to any of my classes if I had to stop and clarify every single random insult that someone yelled at me in the halls. "If the name fits..." says Cruel Girl. Apparently, Ruthie's boyfriend has spread the word about Eisenhower, Ruthie's monkey. Ruthie claims that she is most definitely not a monkey lover. Okay, if I'd had a monkey when I was Ruthie's age, I'd have been the most popular boy in the school. I'd be all, "Hi, I'm Gustave...you know, the one who has a pet monkey?" Hell, the day I got a hamster in fifth grade, seven kids I barely knew came over after school to play.