Episode Report Card Gustave: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Monkey lov-ah!
By Gustave | Season 7 | Episode 3 | Aired on 09.29.2002
Back at Walter Read, Ben runs into Ruthie in the halls and tells her that he's picking her up today because Annie is too busy finding El Sombrero Del Pat Boone. Just as they're about to leave for home, Cruel Girl enters and starts in with the "monkey lover" insults again, referring to Ben as a "big ape." My, there are a lot of evolutionary shout-outs this week, considering that this is a Christian show. Ben tells Cruel Girl off. "You better watch who you're calling names," he says. Uh, has it occurred to anyone that "monkey lover" is the lamest insult ever and to just ignore the guest child actress already? Cindy Williams, as the vice principal, enters wearing a Crayola-blue suit from Talbots. "What's going on out here?" Cruel Girl fake cries and tells Cindy that the "scary man" just threatened her. Cindy buys into Cruel Girl's story and calls the police since she's not even sure who Ben is. Apparently Annie never informed the school that she was sending someone else to pick up Ruthie.
Back at Simon's high school, Simon walks over to Claire Cleavage's locker and asks her if they can "talk." Okay, this pear-shaped girl -- who is wearing a burgundy hooded sweatshirt and sporting a Buffy Sainte-Marie brush 'n' go hairstyle -- cannot possibly have earned the nickname "Claire Cleavage." First off? No cleavage. To paraphrase Barbra Streisand in Funny Girl, this girl's incidentals are no bigger than two lentils. If that's what passes for cleavage these days, Ruthie could be a Victoria's Secret model. I'm not being judgmental. Breasts of all sizes can be lovely. But if someone has the nickname Claire Cleavage, I gotta see some. Second of all? According to BritneyClone, CC is supposed to have a "reputation," whereas this girl could not look any less "easy." She looks like someone who'd join the medieval/Renaissance studies department at Mount Holyoke and rarely leave the library. This girl doesn't shave her legs, let alone spread them, okay? Anyway, Simon tells Claire that he's concerned because people are talking about them. "People aren't talking about us, Simon," says Claire. "They're talking about me." Simon is freaked because people think he's the father of her child. "That's absurd," says Claire. "We only went out last week." Uh, Claire? Shouldn't you have said, "That's absurd, we didn't have sex when we went out last week"? Or did you go to an artificial insemination clinic on that date? Intercourse causes pregnancy, people. Not bowling. The reason that Simon is not the father of Claire Cleavage's child is because he didn't fertilize her eggs ever, not because he only fertilized them last week. Or at least that's what we've been told so far. Simon asks why she wanted to go out with him every night last week. Claire claims that she wanted to get out of the house in case anything "happened." At the word "happened," Simon smells a job for The Camden Family Child Abuse Prevention League and asks her what she fears would "happen" at her home. Claire denies that anything's wrong...and tells him that she's not pregnant. Although you just know she's lying. "Maybe my dad could..." says Simon. "There's nothing your dad can do," says Claire Cleavage. "There's nothing anyone can do." "Let me help you," pleads Simon. "I'll take care of it when the time comes," says Claire.