Episode Report Card Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Guess Who's Coming To Breakfast?
By Gustave | Season 1 | Episode 8 | Aired on 01.14.2002
FauxMartin is making his way over to security at the power plant. An efficient-looking blonde woman with a Rachel haircut and a Crayola-blue suit approaches him and asks him if he's Martin Belkin. When he affirms this, she introduces herself to him as Jessica Abrams, a Palmer campaign worker, and offers to help him with his automatic weapons…I mean, "camera equipment." He insists on carrying it himself. Poor Man's Monica Potter (or Photogenic Mary Matalin, take your pick) assures him that the senator will be arriving shortly, and tells him she's a fan of his work. He goes through security. Old bald White Head Secret Service Agent Guy inspects FauxMartin's cameras and finds nothing suspicious. And I'd just like to add here that if Head Secret Service Guy were really Head Secret Service guy in charge of Palmer's Secret Service detail, then what is he doing at the reception desk searching bags? If Head Secret Service Guy ran security for an airport, would he be the guy who told you to empty your pockets of any change before you went through the metal detector? If Head Secret Service Guy were the principal of a high school, would he be wearing a hairnet and serving up pizza bagels in the cafeteria? If Head Secret Service Guy were the head of the ADA, would you call him at home if you lost your retainer? If Head Secret Service Guy were a celebrity chef at a four-star restaurant, would he be the guy who came over to your table to tell you that your Discover Card had been declined? I. Don't. Think. So. Nevertheless, Head Secret Service Guy gets Belkin clearance and lets him enter.
TerrorKompound. HoodedBride is still in that hood, which is still scaring the bejesus out of me. Her hands are cuffed behind her, and each breath she takes is a loud hysterical gasp as some TerrorMinions lead her down a dimly lit hallway within the TerrorShack. In case you didn't get it, they do a POV shot from Bride's perspective under the hood and show the shadowy outlines of the fluorescent light fixtures whizzing past her head. Then her hood is removed. She is face-to-face with Gaines, who is at the KieferKonsole. Now I just gotta say here that I'm a bit old-school when it comes to villains. I like it when they're all debonair and shit to their hostages. I mean, wouldn't it be great if Gaines, upon meeting Bride, turned on the charm by offering her a seat and a glass of thirty-year-old Montrachet and then apologized sincerely for the déclassé circumstances under which she was brought to TerrorManor? "My my my," he'd say, kissing her hand and ringing the bell to summon Olga, the housekeeper. "I hope I don't sound out of line here but Kiefer is one lucky man to have such a lovely wife! I hope you like Bach because after dinner, over cigars and brandy, I'm giving everyone a little recital tonight of some of my favorite fugues. Olga? Please prepare a room for the lady, draw her a bath, and get her a change of clothes. She's had a very long day!" But no. Lord Phlegm just looks at her, grunts, and turns his attention back to the KieferKonsole. He sucks! And why do the TerrorMinions have to strong-arm Bride down the hall like they're wrestling an alligator? She's tied up and hooded, for crying out loud! Why waste the energy?