Episode Report Card Aaron: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Death, dumb, and blind
By Aaron | Season 1 | Episode 9 | Aired on 07.28.2001
The dream is always the same.
It comes late at night, usually when I’m lying in bed trying to remember the name of the supermodel snoring beside me, and my mind turns not, as you would expect, to thoughts of the lovely Lauren Ambrose, but instead to visions of my future in the rough-and-tumble, high-stakes world of television recapping. In the dream, I’m always old, and incontinent, and firmly ensconced in my nucleo-electric rocking chair as I prepare to recap HBO’s holographic TiVo broadcast of their latest attempt at sharpening the edgy edge of their gilt-edged commitment to making the edgiest one-hour drama ever (thus landing the lucrative Pizza Hut Edge Pizza product placement contract). The show stars Vern Troyer, Katie Holmes, and Sarah Michelle Gellar in an ironically non-ironic parable about a French-Communist midget with herpes who’s carrying on an illicit, yet torrid, love affair with an Irish Wolfhound belonging to the two middle-aged-but-still-horny-for-on-camera-tantric-sex lipstick lesbians that live next door. What makes it a nightmare is the fact that it’s still better than anything the seventy-three broadcast networks are managing to churn out. And so as I awoke one night last week, quaking with terror and shivering because Cindy or Tyson or Claudia or whoever had stolen all the covers, I suddenly experienced an epic, epistolary (and, as always, alliterative) epiphany. Now, don't worry. Unlike Dana, I won't be putting us on any kind of a dating plan. In fact, I don’t expect to start breeding the first generations of my new race of MBTV Uber-Humans until Phase III of my plan for world domination. So we've got some time. It's just that I've come to realize that even if I live long enough to recap Haley Joel Osment, a CGI Bart Simpson, and the Olsen twins in Grumpy Old Men 69: Brought To You By Fixodent, Viagra, And Depends, I'll never, ever be able to understand the wacky things these recaps of mine motivate you people to e-mail to me. Take this week, for example. In the past seven days, I've gotten like nineteen letters from people claiming to either know or be a red-headed Jew; five million, six-hundred and fifty-three thousand instances of the Sir.Cam virus (people, please: Go here. Now.), and, of course, one deliciously Dork! Tastic! exchange of hate mail with a girl who wishes that I'd stop putting all those "convorsations [sic]" in my recaps, and just tell "every one [sic]" what "happend [sic, and while we're at it, sic semper tyrannis]" on the show.
And so with that in mind, I give you: