Episode Report Card Aaron: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Death, dumb, and blind
By Aaron | Season 1 | Episode 9 | Aired on 07.28.2001
Formaldehyde Fortress. Claire emerges to find Gabe loitering on her doorstep. Instead of acting like any right-thinking person would and calling the police, she simply asks him what he's doing there. Gabe still looks distraught as he explains that he brought over his brother's soccer clothes, because he thought Anthony would have liked to be buried in them. Claire leads him inside and mentions that she visited his house, and saw his mom. Gabe perceptively notes that he's at least partially at fault in all this, because it wouldn't have happened if he'd been watching Anthony like he was supposed to. Then he explains that his mom can't even find Anthony's dad, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, because the dad was "a drunken dipshit who used to kick [Gabe's] ass just to prove that he could." His backstory thus established, Gabe switches gears, telling Claire that he never thought it was funny when people called her "Cemetery Girl" or "Vampira." Well, of course not. I mean, "Cemetery Girl"? It's kinda poorly-worded and pedestrian, don't you think? I'd have at least gone with Claire The Corpse Lover. Necrophilia jokes are always funny. ["Besides, her family doesn't work at a cemetery, so it's nonsensical to boot." -- Sars] Anyway, Gabe excuses himself, but not before Claire manages to extract a promise that he'll call her if he ever needs to talk.
The St. Elsewoods. I was going to make a joke involving Ed Begley Jr. sporting some wood, but it was just too gross to inflict upon you. See? I care about you people. I really do. Ruth comes over and continues to act all obsessive-compulsive about wanting to hang the food up in a tree to prevent the local wildlife from getting at it. Ed just wants to finish pitching his tent (I'm so very, very sorry), which prompts Ruth to snark, "Well I'm sorry it's inconvenient, but would you prefer we were mauled in our sleep by bears?" Heh. And also, yes. Yes I would. Hiram tells her to relax, and then he walks away.
Funereal Follies 3: Brought To You By A Writer Who's Seen Fight Club Too Many Times. Nate is alone in Das Sargzimmer this time, with a female undertaker who wants to know who the funeral is for. Brenda enters just in time to answer, "It's for me," and we see that she's wearing a green housecoat and a turban. She slowly slides into a chair next to Nate, and actually does a pretty credible job of playing someone who's sick. "Bet you don't get many people shopping for their own funeral," she says, but the lady undertaker replies that it happens more often than you'd think. Brenda explains that she has cancer, and it's spread throughout her body, and Nate is absolutely appalled at what she's doing. Alan Ball, meanwhile, stands in the corner being all, "Look at me! I'm mocking cancer! Nothing is sacred anymore! Next week I'll make fun of puppies, and orphans, and the mentally ill! You guys can just dump all the hate mail on my desk. It's fun to read." "My husband hates me doing this," metas Brenda, before breaking into a coughing spasm. There's some more chat in this vein, and then Nate declares that he can't continue because it's just too fucked up. He storms out of the room, leaving Brenda to apologize. Personally, I thought it was pretty funny, and not really all that fucked up in light of some of the other shit Brenda has pulled, but whatever. I also think that David Fincher and Chuck Palahniuk should sue Alan Ball for misappropriating the Chloe character from Fight Club.