Episode Report Card Aaron: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Give me Lauren or give me death
By Aaron | Season 1 | Episode 6 | Aired on 07.07.2001
Fade back up on St. Bartholomew's Church of Repressed Sexuality, as David is escorting his mother out of the building after services. They're almost immediately accosted by Tracy the Funeral Stalker, or as I've now taken to calling her, Our Lady of Perpetual Perkiness. She asks David if she'll ever get to meet his fiancée, and the presence of his mother forces David to admit that he's called the wedding off. He grabs OLoPP's arm and pulls her away from Mom, explaining that "it's really a sore subject for all of us." Before Ruth can be too puzzled by all this, Ed Begley Jr. arrives, and everyone's thoughts turn from puzzlement to puking. Well, not really, but as always, it's alliterative, so I'll let it slide. Last week's homework assignment has yielded a veritable bumper crop of stellar Begley nicknames, so I think we'll open the bidding with the also always alliterative Hiram the Hairdressing Ho (tm [again, as almost always] sorkinhead). He greets Ruth, and explains that he's been staying away from church because he thought they needed some space. He asks her out again, and when she says no, he wonders if she "hasn't punished [herself] enough." David rejoins them at this point, and after casually shaking Hiram the Hairdressing Ho's hand, he notes his mother's disturbed demeanor. Putting two and two together, he quickly infers just who Hiram might be. "Nice to finally meet you, son," says St. Elsewhore (tm Karabella), but David isn't having it. "Don't call me that," he growls, forcing Ruth to admonish him. David leaves to fetch the car, and Mom follows a moment later, after (believe it or not) telling Eddie that he looks good.
Suddenly, it's morning again at The Formaldehyde Fortress, and the ringing of the doorbell brings a still-sleepy Claire down the stairs. She opens the door to find Gripey Guy, who demands admission so that he can see his wife. "Look, sir, I'm sorry," she says, "but I don't deal with the dead people, so you'll just have to come back when my brothers are home." Heh. She tries to close the door on him, but he blocks it with his foot, shouting, "Bitch, I don't need your permission to see my wife." Hey! Back off, Billy! Nobody talks to Lauren that way. Changing tactics, he turns around to scream to the neighborhood that "there's a white girl trying to cripple an old black man." Claire finally relents and lets him in. Cut to the official Ticking Clock Shot That Signifies The Passing Of Time, and then Brenda enters through the front door and starts shouting, "Is anybody home?" Claire's voice calls to her from off-screen, and Brenda walks into the funeral room to find Claire and Gripey Guy sitting on a couch. He's asleep and drooling on her shoulder, and has one her hands locked in, well, a death-grip. Claire explains how they got there, and how he passed out and now she "can't get his fucking hand to let go." "Maybe he died," opines Brenda. "Very funny," replies Claire. "But he's still breathing. And farting." Heh. I love Lauren. [The next three sentences have been deleted at the request of Lauren Ambrose's legal team.] Brenda gives Claire, well, a hand, and together they pry her loose from Mr. Cobbs. Brenda mentions that she's looking for Nate because she needs his help moving an antique chest, but when he's nowhere to be found, Claire promptly suggests using her own newfound freedom to help out. Brenda doesn't seem too excited by that idea, leaving Claire to wonder if she's "no good, because the whole cabinet moving thing is just foreplay for you to fuck my brother." Instead of being impressed that young Claire could be her equal in inappropriate sexual bluntness, Brenda slams her with, "No, I'm just not in to babysitting high-school girls. No offense."