Episode Report Card Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT I'm Sorry, Trip, I'm Afraid I Can't Do That
By Keckler | Season 4 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.03.2005
Romulapolis. Val-dor-EE gets a ticking off by a Romulan senator, who bitches about the drone ship's damage. Val-dor-EE enhances the Exposition Beam by talking about how cool the crewless drone ships are without prisoners to be captured nor bodies to be recovered: "These drone ships can never be traced back to us." The Romulan senator warns that, since the prototype is only a modified Warbird, the Vulcan will cop to it in a nanosecond. "The Vulcans will never get near it," Val-dor-EE snarls. "Don't underestimate our distant brothers," the senator says, brushing a speck of anvil off his robes. Who even says that? I mean, why bother with the "distant" at all? It's like saying, "Don't underestimate our fourth cousins once removed by second marriage on our mother's side." "Don't underestimate our cousins" would have been just as correct and far less obviously anvilicious than "our distant brothers." God. The senator orders Val-dor-EE to bring the drone ship home or suffer the consequences. He opens a door to show him the consequences: Remans. At least, I think they are the consequences, but I guess they could just be delivering Chinese food. The senator ends his scatterings of threats with "Jolan true" and leaves. Even though those Remans are wearing exact runway rip-offs of Shinzon's shoulder-padded monstrosity (and I do mean monstrosity), they are a good deal skinnier than the Viceroy. Almost puny. They really should stop idolizing Jolene.
In his Ready Room, Quantum gives the bad news about none of Starfleet's ships being able to make it to them in time. "What about Columbia?" T'Pol wonders, because they always seem desperate to try and work that ship in whenever possible. Columbia's in dry-dock with engine trouble. How…prosaic. Looks like Quantum and Qrew are gonna have to save the day. Again. Vulcan is sending twenty-three vessels. "Is that all?" Quantum bitches ungratefully. "The High Command has been disbanded," T'Pol reminds the previously holy vessel of SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA. "Many of our ships no longer have full crew complements." "T'Pau could've picked a better time to clean house!" Quantum snaps pissily. Oh, I'm sorry, Quantum -- does Vulcan's New World Order and the return to their true and original values, teachings, and philosophies, which means the liberation of millions of oppressed Vulcan peoples, conflict with your plans? Suck it. And considering their situation, in which you had no small part (much to the utter disgust of viewers, fans, and Vulcans everywhere), the Vulcans aren't being stingy, they're doing what they can. Grow the hell up, Quantum, you festering pustule on the commanding ass of Star Trek captains everywhere! Quantum has worked out a plan that involves using Tellarite and Andorian vessels, but the slight catch is, he hasn't asked either side if they're game. T'Pol points out the blue fly in the ointment: the Andorians and Tellarites feel the need to kill each other whenever they catch sight of one another.
After spending a bit of time gazing out his Weight of the World Window, which seems to have added a new wing ever since he was the holy vessel of SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA, Quantum squares his shoulders importantly and intones, "There's one species that's on friendly terms with both of them." Orions? Ferengi? The Borg? MORN? "Humans," Quantum panders. T'Pol looks as disgusted as I feel at this obvious twist of fake. Quantum breathlessly outlines a plan whereby he and his ship are in total command of the entire mission. Admit it, Quantum, you've already got Hoshi stitching up a "Furrow Accomplished" banner and you're dancing the pee-pee dance until the moment you drape it over the Marauding Marauder. T'Pol is as skeptical as she is haggard: "These four species have never cooperated on a mutual endeavor." "As far as I know, no one has ever tried to get them together before," he retorts. People? What did we say about "As far as [Quantum] know[s]"? Quantum goes on, "From what I've heard about these Romulans, they mean business." Hee, I liked the way he delivered that line. He was all, "these Romulan thingies -- whatever the hell they are with their murdering ways." Bottom line is, they have to stop the Romulan Thingies.