Episode Report Card Alex Richmond: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Blowin' In The Wind
By Alex Richmond | Season 5 | Episode 9 | Aired on 01.13.2002
Ally has brought Richard over to her new house. The place is still a wreck. Richard calls it a "dump." The place has potential, but it's totally trashed. She says she's "going to do the work herself," and Richard is all, ha ha ha. House stuff gets so old, so fast. Ally says she can do it. Richard offers to help. Ally is all, "What?" You heard right. He "always wanted to strip," but his dad never let him "touch his hammer" when Richard was a kid. Hee. So, they giggle nervously, and agree to perform some hard labor together.
French Stewart's wife is on the stand, saying that though they both worked and their marriage was a partnership, French "spent the money faster than it came in," and forged her name on documents to get additional loans. French -- squinting, faintly smiling -- sees her sing, "Don Juan! Your money's gone, and when your money's gone, your baby's gone!" He starts bopping around in his seat. Ally is all, "Are you all right?" No, he isn't. Ally cross-examines, asking what and who French spent all the money on. Gifts, on the wife. "Eventually, he gave me the gift of bankruptcy," says Mrs. French. Ally asks if she ever returned the gifts. Oh noooo. French sees her sing, "The best things in life are free...just give me money!" The jury sings along, in his mind. He snaps his fingers and bops along. Always squinting, always smiling.
Ally wants to hire El Shrinkador as an expert. She believes French Stewart "is not right," since he only hears his wife speak in song form. The shrink will hear French's testimony tomorrow.
Jenny enters Corretta's office. Did Corretta ever sit in the chiropractor's massage chair, and have an orgasm? Oh yeah she did. How does he do that? It's not the chiropractor, says Corretta. It's the chair. Great.
Ally is banging on her banister's teeth with a hammer. Hey, Ally? Maybe clear some of all that trash out first, before you start on the construction stuff. Just saying. Elaine pops up behind her, clearly squicked out at the condition of the house. Ally is all, "Aaah!" Then, Elaine says that buying a house "is something two people do." Elaine? The year is 2002. Just saying. Many people buy houses on their own. It's a smart thing to do. Ally says, "It's been known to happen." Elaine says it's cool that Ally "is committed to living alone," adding that she's "thrilled" for Ally. Elaine? How did you get in?
Vonda's bleating out "Our House." Ally paints the wall behind the fireplace, and nearby, Richard makes a mess with the paint. For whatever reason -- maybe in the name of comedy? -- there's a toilet nearby that makes a "thunk" when Richard drops a bucket in it. He bumbles and fumbles and wipes a paint-y rag on his face, until Ally asks that he get some paint on the wall, maybe. He says, "Imagine if people said that to Jackson Pollock." That? Makes no sense. Then he asks if it's smart to do work before Ally actually closes on the house. Ally says that the bank assured her the house is hers. Oh boy, this is so lame. It's totally impossible to get in and do work before you settle, for insurance purposes and other issues related to lawsuits. And OF COURSE the bank will say "the house is yours." But last-minute shit happens. I hate this show. Then Richard says that this home-buying thing is all about getting a man for Ally, and that "the best men will be scared away," since they just want to provide for a woman, not hitch up with a woman that has already provided for herself. Oh, I really hate this show. Ally asks that Richard take this seriously. Richard asks if she "thought about furnishing." What, does Ally rent all the furniture in her apartment? Does she own not a stick of furniture? Ally says the first thing she'll get is a coat rack, because then she'll hang up her coat and "know [she's] home." Richard is all, "Yeah, that's all it needs."