Episode Report Card M. Giant: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ill Bill
By M. Giant | Season 3 | Episode 19 | Aired on 04.19.2004
Ill Bill, meanwhile, is ransacking the shelves at the pharmacy, ruining another handkerchief, and getting his death-cooties all over everything. He asks the pharmacist what he should take to stop an hour-long nosebleed, and the pharmacist can only suggest he go to an ER to have it cauterized. On his way out he bumps into a middle-aged lady, who looks annoyed at his rudeness. She doesn't know the half of it.
In a conference room at CTU, Spawn is getting briefed on her upcoming mission. She's working very hard to display her intelligence and alertness by way of impeccable posture. It's 7:19:27. A de-flak-jacketed Kiefer blows into the office looking for Soul Patch, and Potato Face directs him to the conference room where he's meeting with Spawn. But she manages to do it in a way that turns Kiefer's entire face into one big red flag. Soul Patch glances through the conference room's glass wall, sees Kiefer coming, and steps out onto the floor to head him off. Kiefer wants to know what's up with Soul Patch and Spawn. Okay, first of all, Kiefer, he's her boss, and secondly, where were you while they were spending the whole commercial break on his couch? Soul Patch explains about Spawn turning up as the best available match for Spawnders. Kiefer gives this sort of dangerous chuckle, if you can imagine such a thing, and says, "My Spawn?" I'd say he's against it, but saying that would be like saying he didn't care for Nina. Tension between the two men escalates rapidly, while the subject of their disagreement glances out at them. I wonder what they could be talking about, she thinks. And the blond one looks kind of familiar. Kiefer tries to charge past Soul Patch, but Soul Patch stops him with a hand on his chest. In the next second, there is shoving and pushing and Soul Patch's neck bandage pops off and he bleeds out in about ten seconds. Well, except for that last part, but wouldn't Kiefer feel like a jerk if that happened? Soul Patch yells that Spawn works for him, not Kiefer. Kiefer just points a finger at him and says, "Don't..." Man, I hate it when people don't finish their sentences. It just makes me…
Kiefer heads into the conference room like a lion into the Roman Coliseum. Spawn tries to throw a leash over him, but he's not having it; he all but picks up the guy who's been briefing Spawn and hurls him out the door. I guess I underestimated Chappelle. Discipline really breaks down around here in the absence of his iron fist. Soul Patch, who has followed Kiefer into the room, tells the two Bauers he'll wait outside while they have it out. And that's exactly what happens. They yell at each other until Kiefer grabs Spawn and pushes her up against the wall. Okay, I can see he's mad, but that's kind of inappropriate. He yells in her face: "The reason why you've got this job -- the reason why I gave you this job -- is so that I could be sure you'd be safe!" What? She got the job because of Kiefer? Who'da thunk it? And by the way, Kiefer, outstanding plan there. Remind me, what did you just get back from doing? Was that a field operative's skull you ventilated not a half hour ago? When you found yourself in a van full of bad guys and explosives last season, where did y'all end up? And where was your wife killed? Was it miles from here, or just down the hall? Spawn doesn't bring any of that up, but she's still not backing down: "This is my job. Better yet, my duty." I just can't not laugh at her, because "duty" is accompanied by this four-year-old-playing-mommy finger waggle. Also, "doody." She insists she's doing it. Kiefer looks defeated, and he stares at the floor, thinking, She used to be so small, so helpless, and now my little girl has grown even stupider. It's 7:22:16.