Episode Report Card Camper: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Daddy Dearest
By Camper | Season 1 | Episode 9 | Aired on 02.10.2001
The Happy Fun House. Lindsay walks into the living room and tells Melanie that Gus is sleeping. Melanie's sulking on the couch, and Lindsay asks her what she's thinking. Melanie mutters, "Hebrew School." Lindsay laughs, "He's a little young, isn't he?" That gets a chuckle, but then Melanie explains that her rabbi used to say, "If you ever forget you're a Jew, a non-Jew will remind you." She says that she wondered what he meant, until some little girl called her a JAP on the playground. That's short for "Jewish American Princess," just in case someone out there doesn't know. Melanie said that she'd forgotten she was different until that moment, and she'd forgotten again until they were in the Emergency Room the night before. Lindsay replies that the staff had no right to react as they did. Melanie replies that they did, adding, "We have a right, too. To protect ourselves. We have to talk to Brian." Lindsay looks a bit hesitant about that.
At Brian's penthouse, The Boys, plus Justin, are giving Mike dining etiquette lessons. Well, The Boys are; Justin's mostly torturing Mike. Emmett's testing Mike on his forks, and Justin, playing Gameboy, tells Mike to go from the outside in. Brian reminds Justin that he's supposed to be studying for a test tomorrow. Justin ignores him. Emmett asks Mike where the bread plate is, and Justin drawls, "On your left." Mike reached for the wrong thing. Emmett, ignoring the child, asks Mike where his water glass is. Justin drawls again, "On your right." Mike and Emmett glare at him, because Mike reached for the wrong thing again. Justin smiles angelically. Ted changes the subject to conversation topics: "Stay clear from religion because you never know where anyone stands; avoid politics like the plague; and you should probably steer clear of the economy as well." Brian snorts that Mike should be fine, because he never talks about those things, anyway. Mike barks in frustration, "Well, what do I talk about, then?" Justin, still playing on his Gameboy, says that movies are a good topic: "If you want to appear current without appearing controversial." Mike replies, "I saw X-Men six times." Hmm. Maybe not. Justin busts up laughing. Ted sighs that he doesn't quite think that's highbrow enough to impress David's friends. (Sidebar: Bruce Davison was in X-Men, too: Senator Kelly, the mutant-phobe.) Brian, probably worried that no one's talking about him, says that they're making too big a deal out of all this. Emmett tells Mike all he has to remember is, "Utensils work from the outside in." Ted adds, "Remember not to talk about anything that matters." Brian ends the advice: "Don't talk with your mouth full." Mike asks what he does if he burps, and Justin sighs, "Just cover your mouth with your napkin and say 'excuse me' to no one in particular." Jennifer's trained him well. Emmett tells Mike just to be himself, but Mike's pretty sure that he's going to screw up somehow. Brian pats him on the cheek, and says, "That's what he means -- be yourself." Peachy.
At the Happy Fun House, Brian's Lesbians nervously dither over the tea as Brian and Justin wait in the living room. Lindsay tells Melanie to let her talk to Brian, and Melanie agrees, "I won't say a thing." Good advice. Go with that. In the living room, Brian's being adorable with the baby again. Such a cute baby! I have no idea why Justin's there, except that maybe since Brian doesn't know what's up, he let Justin tag along. Brian, bouncing the baby, says, "He looks fine to me. Aren't you, sonny boy?" Melanie, breaking her promise, laughs, "Well, that's the way it goes -- yesterday, life and death; today tea and cookies." Justin says the tea is good, and Lindsay automatically replies that it's a mix, but then looks like she isn't sure if she's replied to Justin or Melanie. She chooses Melanie, saying, "It just teaches you to be prepared." That could go for the tea, too, actually. You run out of the tea you want, and then you have to mix what's left together so you'll have enough to serve at your awkward tea party. I don't know. I thought it was a clever double meaning, though. Brian asks what they need to be prepared for. Lindsay reminds him about the nurse the night before, and Brian says that she was really a bitch. Melanie thanks him. And smiles, even. Brian asks what the two of them are getting at. Lindsay expositions that they talked about it before the baby was born, but didn't get around to it: Melanie wants to petition for second-parent adoption. Justin asks what that is, and Melanie explains that it would basically make Melanie Gus's legal guardian. Brian blanches at the words "biological parent" during Melanie's explanation. Lindsay continues, haltingly, that in order for that to happen, Brian has to sign papers giving up his parental rights. Justin's shocked: "No way! He's Gus's dad!" Lindsay says no one's saying that Brian isn't Gus's dad, and that he'll always be a part of the baby's life. Melanie and St. L. wait expectantly for his answer. Brian, looking only at his son, finally says, "You don't have to convince me. Just tell me where to sign." Justin's outraged, but Brian says that Gus will be better off. Lindsay looks a bit disappointed that Brian gave it up so easily. Brian asks what he has to do, and Melanie says that she'll have the papers drawn up. Justin tells Brian that he can't do it, and Brian snaps at him to stay out of it. Justin yells, "You're his father!" Brian replies, "And I'm teaching him a lesson -- don't count on your old man." This has backstory written all over it. The camera cuts to the cutest baby in the whole wide world, and then back to Brian's Lesbians. Lindsay looks like she's regretting the whole thing, but Melanie's ecstatic.