Episode Report Card Drunken Bee: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sweet Like Candy
By Drunken Bee | Season 4 | Episode 5 | Aired on 07.14.2008
Credits flash on pudding cup packaging. Jiggly and full of filler, just like Season Four of Weeds! We open on Celia on the floor of Guillermo's warehouse, pretty much shitting herself as Guillermo demands to know why she was outside taking pictures. He asks her name and she just blurts out "Guillermo," making him even more suspicious. Nancy jumps in and takes over, telling Guillermo that Celia is with her as backup, and then realizes she's going to need to sell this act. So she grabs the gun, sticks it in Celia's mouth and demands to know why she was taking pictures and then totally fucking pistol whips her, knocking her tooth out. Celia rues the day Nancy ever saw that scene in Goodfellas with Henry Hill and that sweater-wearing prep in his driveway. Nancy yells at Celia to get in the car, gets the tooth back from the guy who picked it up off the floor, and drives off.
Andy is having a great time on his Eco-Immigrant-Tourism trip across the border into the US. The illegals stop for a rest break and Andy strikes up a conversation with the girl next to him, who offers him some marzipan molded to look like a cartoon pig. She asks Andy how much he'd pay if she made a likeness of him in marzipan, and he likes the idea, "Marzipandy!" He says he'd pay at least ten. The Coyote walks over and tells the girl, in Spanish, that she's a slut and that when he fucks her he'll know the baby isn't hers. The girl goes on in Spanish about how she wants to slash out the man's intestines and drag him behind a truck, etc., etc., and then send it all back in a bucket to his mother. Andy gives her a hug: "Aw, you just said you missed your mother?" A truck pulls up and the Coyote rounds everyone into it, telling them that if they crush the pudding, they're dead. He stops Andy before he gets on and demands money. Andy has six dollars. The Coyote is pissed until he spots Andy's Fall Guy belt buckle, which Andy gives up only after some more whining.
Celia continues to mewl and gasp and I'm barely remembering what her voice sounds like, so long its been since she's had any dialogue. Nancy leaves a long message for Andy, acknowledging that he is totally in the desert with no cell reception but that calling just makes her feel better for stranding him across the border. Celia finally spits out that she wants her tooth back and Nancy tells her that she's not going to get it, that, in fact, Nancy is going to drill a little hole in it and make it into a necklace and wear it around her neck and then Nancy will be Celia's God. I think Nancy has that backwards; i.e. when you wear a cross around your neck you don't exactly think of yourself as Jesus's God, do you? I think I just had a Botwin-related revelation. Oh, god. The Book of Revelations if a Botwin wrote it? Even scarier than the horsemen and the seven seals and shit: this one puts Andy and Nancy on your couch every day for eternity and then tells you that Conrad is NEVER COMING BACK AGAIN. Nancy tosses Celia's tooth out the window and tells her to explain.