Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Apocalypse Not
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 21 | Aired on 05.10.2000
Piper's SUV. Piper and Leo sit inside. Do you remember how shittily the Ps treated Leo during the first half of the season? Well, second verse, same as the first, because we catch Piper in mid-backpedal: "I'm not saying I didn't enjoy the date, I'm just saying that [the callous Ps] would have enjoyed the restaurant, too." Cut to a guy behind her, getting his road rage on. Back in the SUV, Leo's stating that sometimes he wishes the Halliwells were "normal sisters" who weren't "this close." Piper asks if he has a problem with this. Leo: "Sometimes I feel like I'm breaking up this great party when I want to be alone with you." Great party? Leo, honey, you need to get out of the hou -- er, heaven more often. Piper: "There's room for all of you in my life and in my heart." Ew. Those Book of Shadows verses are really leaking into Piper's everyday syntax. A cut to Road Rager interrupts this non-magical Hallmark Moment. He peels forward in a snit and passes Piper's SUV, burning rubber to escape the couple's inane dialogue. Road Rager hits a produce truck. Hey, clueless teen viewers who don't understand my recaps! Your turnip truck's returned. Be sure to climb back on it! Produce Guy and Road Rager exit their vehicles and have a smackdown. Piper exclaims, "Oh no!" and clutches her pearls. Pan over to a guy in a black suit and a green tie, holding a demonic Palm Pilot. Suddenly a crowd has gathered around the accident scene. Everyone goes soccer fan on each other. A guy throws a watermelon on Piper's windshield. She gets her bitch on and exits the SUV. The guy hurls another melon. Piper freezes the melee, including the mid-air melon. The guy in the green tie, unfrozen, bolts from the scene. Piper runs after him. Leo shouts in protest; she doesn't know "who or what" the man in the black suit is. Before Piper can catch up to him, he runs into an alley and turns into a guy on a green satin cape on horseback. He orbs away. Piper and Leo face the empty alleyway. Cut to a grassy field. The guy in the green cape gallops into view, along with three other horsemen. Fake lightning F/X flash behind them.
Credits. Hey writers! I'm pretty sure y'all broke into my car and leafed through my Charmed wordplay/blurb/nickname notebook for inspiration for this week's MBTV-ish episode title. Shame on you. Thanks for not stealing my Last Days of Disco CD, though.
The difference between Big Kmart and Super Kmart? A subtle gradation of the red chafing on my ass.
They skimp on the establishing shots this week, and it's straight to the crowds filing into P3 After Dark for "loser registration." Actually, what we see are establishing shots OF HELL, because there's Paula Cole performing on stage before we can even brace ourselves. She's wearing this brown studded evening-gown thing that looks like something Xena would wear to the Oscars, and is caterwauling and flailing her arms about like a drag queen on ephedrine channeling Celine Dion. One saving grace, as noted on the boards: no pit shots. Phew. The camera pans past the enthralled extras towards the bar where Phoebe and Prue are beaming at Paula's vocal majesty. Either Shannen and Alyssa's musical tastes are about as refined as their selection of husband material, or this is the best acting I've seen on the show all year. Anyway, the callous Ps are in rapture over Paula, and I can't say I've ever disliked them more. Cut to Paula doing an inept tribal dance. Cut to the bartender reading the moral quandary book, and handing it back to Prue. Cut to Paula a-stompin' and a-wailin' some more. Cut to some heavily sedated extras in slip dresses swaying to Paula Cole's braying prattle. Pan over to the callous Ps displaying their caps again. Close-up of Paula raising her arms to emphasize a Poignant Lyric, while the framing thankfully shields us from a glimpse of pit hair. Paula ends her song with the howl, "For WEEEE are the chEEEldren of the fAAAAHHther." Hmm, might her father be . . . SATAN? She raises her fist in emphasis. Her hairy pit is blocked from view. Well, that's reason enough for applause. The crowd claps and squeals. Paula: "Thank you, P3! You've been great!" The Walls That Can Talk at P3AD respond: "Yeah, well, we wish we could say the same for you." Paula bows and crawls back under her rock. Honey, I don't want to wait for your life to be over, either.