Episode Report Card Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Future Nonsense
By Keckler | Season 2 | Episode 16 | Aired on 02.18.2003
Even though I pulled a ninety-six out of my ass on my huge Italian regional culinary exam, I forgot what region Prosecco came from. Bad Chef! So, as punishment tonight, I am drinking several cases of it. Bad Chef! But -- yum and bubbles.
Engineering. It turns out the black box isn't so much a record of the last actions of the vessel as it is an emergency beacon. Unfortunately, with all his fiddling, Trip managed to activate the subspace signature. Okay, how awesome would it be if the emergency beacon brought those "We seek PEACE-ful co-EXISTENCE!" creatures? I know it wouldn't make any sense, but the way that episode ended was just so thrillingly creepy that it's one of my biggest complaints against TNG that they never picked up that arc again. T'Pol comms that there is a bevy of Suliban pods headed for them.
Bridge. They all fly very fast. T'Pol tells Quantum that they are less than three minutes from meeting up with the Valkyrie. Do you think they'll take a ride on her? Hoshi follows orders to call the Vulcans and let them know there will be a lot more of them for dinner. Unfortunately, Hoshi can't get through to the Vulcans, but the Suliban are hailing them on the other line. A mottled face appears on the screen and orders them to drop their shields and prepare to be boarded. "Or what?" Quantum taunts. "You're not going to risk any more damage to that ship. Take a look at your long-range sensors, there's a Vulcan combat cruiser a few million kilometers from here. Unless you want to upset them, I SUGGEST you turn around!" The Suliban scoffs at the very idea of the Vulcans taking any risks for an Earth vessel. Cue the firefight. They are now only six hundred kilometers from the Vulcan ship -- can't the Valkyrie's long-range sensors sense what's going on with them? -- and the Suliban are trying to blast through the Launch Bay doors. Sizeable Suliban pod explosions. They're now close enough to the Vulcan vessel to drop out of warp. Unfortunately, they are not going to get the warm welcome they anticipated -- the Valkyrie looks completely dark and dead in the water. "Bio-signs?" Quantum strangles out. T'Pol reports that the crew is alive, but the ship is completely disabled, and Hoshi adds that their comm is down as well. Suddenly, four Tholian ships zip into view and head straight for Enterprise.
I think our local UPN affiliate screwed up again, because when we come back from commercial, the Enterprise is shaking and May-Bullet-The-Blue-Sky reports that the engines are down. Something must have happened before that -- it's a pity if I missed out on some Tholian whale singing. Basically, everything that could go offline on the ship does, and to top it all off, the Suliban pods catch up with them. Now everyone's shooting at everyone else. "I never thought I'd be glad to see the Suliban," Malcolm Powder breathes. Trip can't get immediate engines or weapons, so Quantum tells him to drop everything and get the MMP's emergency beacon working. Trip's confused. "Whoever built that ship might be able to send help," Quantum explains. Yes, in the form of bugs that burrow into your mouth and sprout a gill thing on your neck. T'Pol warns Quantum that whoever built the MMP probably won't reach them in time. Seriously! How tight was the strap on Quantum's water polo helmet? Quantum ponders this and talks to Malcolm Powder about manually arming the torpedoes. They decide to bring the warhead to the Launch Bay and play with it there. Quantum takes off with Malcolm Powder, leaving T'Pol in charge of the Bridge.