Episode Report Card Aaron: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Zed's Dead, Baby. Zed's Dead.
By Aaron | Season 2 | Episode 8 | Aired on 04.20.2002
And now, on with the show.
This week opens with a bearded fat man watching football, and those of you with an unhealthy obsession with your TiVo's eight-second replay button may have noticed that the game announcer's audio doesn't quite match the video. Before we can spend too much time pondering the meaning of that, however, the fat guy's equally fat (yet non-bearded) wife appears to remind him that it's time to go to work. He emerges from the bedroom soon after, dressed in a full Santa suit and complaining that it itches. There are some tender moments between man and wife here (especially her touching admonition against "flirting with the faggoty elves"), and then the soon-to-be-dead Santa heads out the door. Cut to a park bench, where a trio of children go from surly anger (one little girl calls the other a "loser butthole") to sheer happiness when they spot Santa cruising down the street on a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Their youthful exuberance is then rewarded with the sight of Kris Kringle getting creamed by an oncoming truck, and the arrival of his now empty bike helmet, which skitters to a stop at their feet. I've got to stop and give major props to whichever crew member tossed that helmet into the frame, because it was definitely a pretty impressive throw. I wonder how many takes that took? Anyway, farewell Jesse Ray Johnson. Looks like you're heading off to that great big North Pole in the sky. Try not flirt with any of the faggoty angels.
Fade up on the Formaldehyde Fortress, where David and Nate are sitting at the breakfast table, reviewing their annual haul of Christmas cards. David is upset because a client they thought was Jewish sent them a Christmas card with the Baby Jesus on it, while they sent him one with a picture of a dreidel. "Well, now he thinks we're Jewish," replies Nate. "Is Brenda Jewish?" interjects Ruth from her position at the sink, prompting Nate to deliver a long explanation of Brenda's family history which serves only to prove that she is, in fact, not Jewish. Whew. Thank God. I would have had to convert in protest if they'd let her in. The conversation moves to the subject of Christmas dinner, and Nate confirms that he and Brenda will be in attendance. David, however, claims he isn't planning on bringing a date. "But what about Keith?" inquires Ruth. "Aren't the two of you..." "Yes," replies David. "We're having healthy, affection-based sex on a regular basis. Sometimes twice a day." Heh. Mommie Drearest goes into screechy mode upon hearing this news, and demands that David get rid of the giant chip he has on his shoulder regarding her willingness to accept to his gay lifestyle. As is common for the Fisher siblings, Nate can only giggle as his little brother quickly backs down and agrees to invite Keith and Taylor for dinner.
Still not satisfied, Ruth also demands that someone go to midnight mass with her on Christmas Eve, and both brothers get devilish grins on their faces when Claire chooses just that moment to enter the kitchen. After demanding her attendance at church, Ruth also asks her daughter if she's planning to invite anyone for dinner. When Claire mentions the possibility of asking Loser Toby, Ruth's first instinct is to wonder why Dork Boy doesn't have any family of his own to spend Christmas with. "His parents are pagans," answers Claire, and Frances Conroy's disturbed reaction to that news was priceless. "Well when are you going to invite him?" she snaps. "I need to know how many yams to buy." "Look, if he's coming, I'll tell him to bring his own yam," snaps back Claire. Heh. Would you marry me if I promised to bring my own yam to the wedding? Mom is also upset that Christmas is in two days and no one has bothered to decorate the tree yet. "I wish I knew what I did to deserve such morose, surly children," she spits, before stomping out of the kitchen. Ordinarily, I'd offer to make Ruth a fairly lengthy list to answer that question, but this time I think she's got a point.