Episode Report Card Keckler: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Another One Bites The Dust
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 3 | Aired on 04.01.2001
Roy and Patty Duke argue about who gets to pull the plug on them should they go into comas. Patty Duke doesn't want to give Roy the power to make medical decisions for her, because apparently he doesn't have the patience to wait for the television to get fixed, he just runs out and buys a new one. Warren attempts to intervene and Patty Duke argues that, as a lawyer, Warren is qualified to make those decisions. So Roy says that Warren "can pull the plug for [him], too." Warren spews legal jargon, and Patty Duke is charmed again by his "lawyer talk" and wants to call his Aunt Laura. Warren gets her to sit down and asks if there's anything they've forgotten. "Pickles," Patty Duke says. And lest you think she's pregnant, Roy expounds for us by saying, "You're giving something to that damn cat?" Isn't that a Disney movie with a You're-All-Grows-Up (tm Vince Vaughn) Hayley Mills? Patty Duke says that she wants to make sure he's provided for, since her husband can't even remember to feed him. "And Dempsey's stationed in Malaysia, and you know what they do to cats there, so that leaves Warren." Warren reminds her that Pickles is ten years old: "You'll outlive him." "God forbid I get hit by a bus," Patty Duke says. "Oh, God forbid!" Roy says sarcastically. Joe sticks his neck in, asking for the O'Sullivan opening. Warren promises to get it to him by the end of the day. Warren turns back to his parents' will, saying he'll add a provision stating that he gets custody of Pickles. Warren starts talking about long-term estate planning, but Patty Duke waves that off, saying they just wanted to get the wills out of the way. They get up to go amidst Warren's protests. "You're acting against the advice of counsel," Warren says unnecessarily. "Adorable," Patty Duke says, just as unnecessarily. Warren relents and hugs his mother, who acts a little more emotional than is called for. Warren asks if everything is all right. "Of course, honey, I'm just glad to get all that over with!" she says, and leaves. On the way out, Roy grabs Warren's shoulder and tells him he'll call him later: "I need some advice about some money I put away your mother doesn't know about." I like Roy.
Back in Haight-Ashbury, Riley swoons that "he's so much more good-looking in person." Scabby counters that she "caught him for a nanosecond getting into a car." Riley juices over how the sunlight caught his hair. PlasticMan tells him that he's pretty liberal, but if they're intending to watch porn, he's going upstairs. Yeah, to do what? Play with nylons, perhaps? Anna looks at the screen and says, "Wait, is that --" and then the pizza deliveryman comes. And he doesn't ask to see how large the bedrooms are! Shaggy confirms it's "video footage Ms. Burgess got of You-Know-Who doing You-Know-What with a certain friend." PlasticMan comments on how much money that would "fetch" on eBay. Not as much as this tape's going for! Riley says they could retire on it, "which is what I bet Ms. Burgess was planning on doing until she got busted." Anna asks how anyone could really do that for a living. Tiresome talk about making judgments and Anna insulting PlasticMan because she's jealous of his case and PlasticMan waxing tiresome over motorcycles because he didn't realize she insulted him by calling her a "bench warmer." Anna complains that the only thing she has to use against McDougal is his visits to Chinatown -- and they ain't for the food, baby! Anna wonders if it is at all possible for her to use it. Shaggy and Riley tell her she can't because it has nothing to do with the case. Anna positions a rubric for Ethics 101 by asking, "Is it so wrong to do a bad thing to a bad person to get a good thing for a good person?" PlasticMan tells her it's blackmail, and Anna freaks out on him. PlasticMan asks why she's yelling at him when everyone else said the same thing. "'Cause I'm not sleeping with them!" she yells. Scabby tells her they can change that and gets smacked by PlasticMan -- which probably didn't even hurt; I mean, the man's made of plastic -- and his girlfriend, which probably did because he's a wimp. Anna kvetches that her client has about five to ten years to live and the slimeball's just trying to make a quick buck, and she's going to lose, "and [she's] crabby and retaining eighty pounds of water weight and [they] are not helping [her]!" And she goes home. The door slams on her butt that hangs down to her ankles; unfazed, the three turn back to their grub. PlasticMan even comments on the quality of the 'za.