Episode Report Card Gustave: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Fallout
By Gustave | Season 2 | Episode 16 | Aired on 03.24.2003
And to make things even worse, there just happens to be a real live war going on right now that we can't help but compare this show to. Even the invasion of Afghanistan -- our country's first response to 9/11 under the leadership of an arch-conservative -- took several weeks to begin. Wars don't generally happen just because a country is strong enough and angry enough to wage them. There are lots of other parties (countries, coalitions, and so on) to consult with. Air space needs to be authorized, and alliances need to be forged with other governments. Even this war with Iraq, which we're essentially going into alone, took almost two years to get going.
Anyway, Soul Patch wraps it up, and PoorMan'sArmandAssante, who has been listening, approaches him and complains that he's got to report back to his office, but he has nothing to report since no one is keeping him in the loop. "I'll tell you what I can when I can," says a defiant Soul Patch. PMAA reminds Soul Patch that his fictional country allowed the CIA to raid Ali's apartment as long as they let PMAA participate in the ensuing investigation. Soul Patch tells PMAA to call his office and tell them whatever he wants. "We've got work to do here," says Soul Patch. "And you're simply not authorized to be a part of it." The two men make challenging eye contact. PMAA is the first to break it. He slinks back to wherever it is that CTU guests cool their heels and read magazines. "He doesn't look too happy," says Lesbo-Carrie, who, meanwhile, has walked over to help Soul Patch intimidate PMAA visually with her swaggering posture and her man-tailored suit. They head over to the audio lab.
Lesbo-Carrie asks where Bitchelle is, since she was not in attendance when Soul Patch addressed the office. Soul Patch explains that she's interrogating Syed Ali. "Why?" asks Lesbo-Carrie. Soul Patch explains that Bitchelle might be able to get some valuable information out of Syed Ali about the recording. He asks LC to go and start verifying the tape without him. LC does just that. Soul Patch stays behind to study PoorMan'sArmandAssante's every move in a non-homoerotic manner.
Meanwhile, in one of the interrogation rooms, Syed Ali sits chained to an Emeco Naval chair while Bitchelle, wearing a form-fitting plum v-neck sweater, plays him the tape recording from Cyprus. Hell, I could have told you the tape was faked. It's full of obvious dialogue like, "Akalakalakalak you will receive the funds and the bomb through the channels we discussed jihad jihad we will change the world." Nevertheless, Bitchelle pulls out some 8x10s of some officials of "three Arab countries" and is all, "This tape proves that you conspired with these men to detonate a B-O-M-B on U.S. soil." Well, technically, Bitchelle, they conspired to detonate it in the air, but we get your overall point. Syed Ali, who is wearing the most painful-looking broken nose prosthetic I have ever seen, glares at her silently as she asks who else participated in the meeting in question. Seriously, he looks like Rossy De Palma and Rocky Balboa had a love child who went to Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon a few too many times. Oh, and he's also got one of those teeny tiny butterfly bandages on his face which is otherwise covered with open sores. It's like the bandage isn't really doing anything medically; it's just there as a signifier. Bitchelle informs Syed that if he refuses to speak to her, he'll have to speak to the interrogators at Guantanamo Bay. Is that supposed to be a threat? I myself have always wanted to see Cuba, and it sounds like they're offering him a free trip. Okay, Gustave, if you don't talk, we're going to ask you again...over a glass of wine in a restaurant in Barcelona!! Okay, okay, I realize that Guantanamo Bay isn't the same as, say, Havana, but I'm so hard up for sunshine right now, I'm even looking longingly at those Iraqi sandstorms on CNN. Syed asks her what she wants him to say. Bitchelle maintains that she just wants the truth. "What does the truth matter when you have this...recording?" asks Syed, whose accent is starting to sound more Julio Iglesias than Omar Sharif. Bitchelle asks him what he means. Julio Ali maintains that no such meeting ever took place. He was in Berlin at the time. Bitchelle isn't buying, and basically decides to hand him over to the professionals at Guantanamo. "Why would I lie to you when I told you the truth about the B-O-M-B?" asks Syed. Um, because back then, they were about to kill your kid? Bitchelle accuses him of trying to protect his country. Syed insists that the Second Wave was acting alone and that he has never met those officials.
Meanwhile, in another room at CTU, Soul Patch joins Lesbo-Carrie and the rest of the audio technicians who have concluded -- after less than an hour of analysis, mind you -- that there is no way the tape could be fake. Bitchelle enters, takes a seat at the table, and announces that Syed Ali has told her that the tape is a fake and that he was in Berlin when the meeting supposedly took place. Across the table, Lesbo-Carrie shoots her a glance that could either be saying "bitch, you crazy" or "shut up and take off your sweater, I'm all out of talk!" Soul Patch argues that since Syed still thinks his son has been murdered, there's no way he'd be cooperative with CTU. Bitchelle maintains that she thinks he might be telling the truth, and even if he's not, they should investigate further. Lesbo-Carrie isn't having it. She feels that the physical evidence verified by the audio technicians trumps the word of a known terrorist. "And no offense, Bitchelle," says LC, "but your experience as an interrogator is limited." Bitchelle insists that Ali is a broken man who has no reason to lie anymore. Soul Patch ends the meeting and promises both ladies that he'll present their findings -- along with Bitchelle's thoughts -- to the President.