Episode Report Card Keckler: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Yesterday's Enterprise
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.25.2001
Trip and T'Pol analyze logs in Engineering. "It's just background noise," T'Pol tells Trip. "Your sensors aren't capable of isolating plasma decay." "How can you be so damn sure what our sensors can do?" Trip demands. "Vulcan children play with toys that are more sophisticated," T'Pol snots. Yeah, like the wooden blocks Spock shows that Romulan kid in TNG's "Unification"? "You know, some people would say that you Vulcans do nothing but patronize us," Trip says, stalking along a catwalk. Uh, would you be one of those "people," Trip? "But if they were here now," Trip continues, "if they could see how far you're bending over backwards to help me, they'd eat their words." T'Pol saunters her catsuited body around Trip and steps onto a lift. "Your captain's mission was to return the Klingon to his people. He no longer has the Klingon," T'Pol points out as the lift descends. Trip asks T'Pol if "it ever occurred to [her] that [Cpt. Quantum] knows what he's doing?" and without waiting for an answer, he goes on to say that he knows Starfleet hasn't been around that long, but don't they still owe the Captain their support since he's in charge of the mission. "Then again, loyalty's an emotion, innit?" Trip asks T'Pol. Uh, actually, I hate to break it to you, Flyboy, but loyalty's a concept, not an emotion.
Just then, Cpt. Quantum himself enters the scene and asks if they've had any luck. "Not really," Trip drawls. T'Pol sticks her pointy chin forward and tells Cpt. Quantum that her analysis "indicates a stealth vessel with a tricyclic [Like Ortho-Tricyclin? Why not take the only pill guaranteed to clear up your complexion?] plasma drive." Trip tells Cpt. Quantum, "If we could figure out the decay rate of their plasma, we'll be able to find their warp trail." T'Pol tells Cpt. Quantum that their sensors weren't constructed to quantify plasma decay. Well, can't they just "modify" something? They were always doing that on the other shows. "It's impossible to keep the ship from exploding, Captain." "See if you can modify something, Lieutenant." "Oh, yeah, I'll modify the whatchamajimmy with a thingawhatsit array -- okay, we're in the clear!" Anyway, Hoshi enters Engineering cautiously and asks, "Are you sure it's safe to stand so close to that?" gesturing at the warp engine. Cpt. Quantum asks her if she has anything from Klaang's ravings. That would be a negative, Captain. Hoshi tells him that she translated everything, but none of it made sense. Cpt. Quantum asks about the Suliban mention, but Hoshi wasn't able to find out anything about that either. Cpt. Quantum asks T'Pol if she's heard of the Suliban. "They're a somewhat primitive species from Sector three-six-four-one, but they've never posed a threat," T'Pol says. "Well, they have now," Cpt. Quantum tells her. He asks Hoshi if Klaang said anything about Earth, but Hoshi tells him that there's no word for "Earth" in the Klingon database. She hands over her report: "It's all there. There's only four words I couldn't translate -- probably just proper nouns." Cpt. Quantum looks at the report and reads out, "Jelik, Sarin, Rigel, Tholia -- anything sound familiar?" he asks T'Pol. Well, I'm taking a big leap (a quantum leap, if you will -- what? I'm not supposed to make as many of those jokes as I want? Well, sit back, because I've got a huge sack of them right next to my chair. It's going to be a long seven years, my friends), but judging from Mathra's anguished scream, Rigel is actually the name of the brightest freaking star in Orion. Something anyone who grew up as a Sepia-Toned Astro Dreamer should know without having to ask a Vulcan of superior intellect. T'Pol muses over the names until Cpt. Quantum prompts her. "Rigel is a planetary system, approximately fifteen light years from our present position," T'Pol tells him reluctantly. "Why the hesitation?" Cpt. Quantum demands. Maybe because she thought you might actually know that, Cpt. Buttmunch. No wonder the Vulcans have such a low opinion of Starfleet intelligence. T'Pol tells him that they found information on Klaang's ship logs proving that he stopped at Rigel Ten right before his Oklahoma cornfield crash landing. Cpt. Quantum asks, "Why do I get the feeling you weren't going to share that little piece of information?" T'Pol tells him he's on a need-to-know basis, so Cpt. Quantum threatens her with the brig if he finds her withholding information again. Cpt. Quantum tells Mayweather to look in the Vulcan starcharts, find Rigel, and plot a course for Rigel 10. Enterprise warps off. I'd like to tell T'Pol to "warp off" until she can come back with a credible Vulcan personality. ["And a sports bra." -- Sars]
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