Episode Report Card Lady Lola: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT No Chain, No Gain
By Lady Lola | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.12.2012
The sweet sound of a blender whirs us into the next scene. It's Ron Ron Juice, and you know what that means. Karma! Deena is so excited she might just dance her underwears off! While she gives Pauly a pep talk, assuring him that he'll still get it in despite the game-hampering sun burn, Snooki gets herself looking bangable by slapping on a pair of personalized "Jionni's" panties she had made. She shows them off to JWOWW, who immediately points out that the epic fight between Snooki and Jionni in Florence was over her flashing her downstairs region. Snooki realizes she won't be able to resist showing off the name-check knickers and decides to save herself by putting them aside for another occasion.
Deena comes in the room so she and Snooki can beautify themselves together. Deena starts prattling about finding a boy to make out with, though she vows not to "do sex." Somewhere amid the conversation, she tells Snooki that she's not going to be drinking that night. If someone were watching this without sound and saw Snooki's reaction shot, they could very well think Deena just declared, "I eat babies while kicking puppies." That's how vile and dire this idea is to Snooki. Deena can only hold her composure for about 2.4 seconds before breaking up into hysterics. Of course she's drinking!
Karma. The kids are home. Immediately, Deena runs into Damian, a guy she used to hook up with. While they make out, Snooki gets bomb-ass wasted and flashes her panties all over Karma (something Jionni weirdly doesn't seem to mind this particular evening). She's so drunk, in fact, that she tells Jionni, "Oh my god, I was gonna, like, cook you chicken cutlets and stuff like that." When an unmarried guidette starts yammering about domesticity, you know she's in the sauce. And I'm not talking marinara. Because Jionni isn't falling-down drunk, he's very confused, which Snooki takes as hostility and gets ornery with him. JWOWW has officially opted out of babysitting duty tonight, so she tells Jionni to take his girl home. He does, but not without some slurry protest by Snooki.
Someone who is not protesting the trip back to the Shore House? Shantel, Pauly's flavor of the night. His fellow MVP-ers aren't having such luck as Sitch strikes out and Vinny's anxiety is exacerbated by the thump and bump of Karma. Somehow, though, Sitch manages to Tebow that shit when he runs into Paula on the way out the door. The gang heads back home where everyone except Vinny gets his or her smush on. Poor Shantel, she is practically thrown out the window the second after she and Pauly finish smushing -- on a bare mattress, mind you. She's in mid-sentence (the sentence being, and I wish I were kidding you, "There's my underwear!") as he gets up and leaves the room to call her a cab. But his luck only stretched so far this night because the cab driver tells Pauly there won't be a car available for an hour. His eyes bug out almost as much as Snooki's at Deena's no drinking joke. Upstairs, there's some real-life karma going on because Pauly's quick escape gave Shantel the opportunity to snatch his favorite diamond chain. Ha! She goes downstairs and tells Pauly she can't find her shoes. As if by magic, the cab arrives. She asks Pauly, "Did you find my shoes?" He tells her, "They're in the cab" and practically pushes her out the door.